December 31, 2014
As I enter the year 2015 I have to come to terms with the very real issue of infertility that faces many women today. I never thought about infertility. I never expected it and as I went through each stage in my life I never believed that I would one day sit in a doctor's office and weep uncontrollably as a doctor explains how impossible it is to achieve pregnancy. (Actually, the doctors are very compassionate and always try their best to put a positive spin on things and assure their patients they'll be able to help them). He says, "well, you have very poor egg quality based on these numbers but I think I can help you..." I hear, "sorry, don't you think you're a little old to start thinking about getting pregnant?"
It is impossible to know exactly when this issue became a reality for me. It doesn't enter the mind until a person is actually trying to have a child and nothing happens. I enjoyed my life never thinking about a ticking biological clock. I never even thought about having a child... I didn't think about having a child until I prepared to marry my husband at age 40. At that time my sister encouraged me to start seeing doctors about infertility issues. I thought she was crazy. Why wouldn't I be able to get pregnant. I never thought it could be difficult even though women around me had miscarriages and one even had a stillborn baby. I just never thought about it. Actually, that's not true... I'd think about it when I was the odd man out at a dinner party, third wheel at what should have been a double date, alone on a Friday or Saturday night or when friends or family inadvertently brought it to my attention. For the most part I kept myself busy and went about typical "couple" benchmarks on my own... For example, I bought my first house saying I didn't want around for prince charming to do it. I was thirty years old.
After being married for 6 months and not getting pregnant I figured it was time to go to the doctor and after several referrals and four doctors I ended up with my current doctor and we continue working on our goal. I have a lot of support from my husband and many wonderful people around me, I'm very lucky. However, I feel this issue isn't really shared and most find it to be incredibly private and therefore not really discussed... but I need to talk about this issue. Therefore I've decided to open this blog; and while it is private and very painful, I'm going to share about it here because I need to straighten it out in my head and nurture a healthy mind, body and spirit. This is very important to me because eventually I would like to be a mother. Motherhood, like all worthwhile goals must be met by incrementally passing through many different stages. This is my experience. Everything I post here including all generalities will be from my own point of view, some may be controversial but regardless, I can only speak in my own voice. My hope is that anyone else who is suffering through a similar affliction will read my posts and know they are not alone and I know I am not alone, although I often feel alone.
