March 22, 2015
I'm working on a heritage quilt for my 2 year old nephew. I guess it shouldn't be surprising at how hard it is to do.... I have about 11 photos that I have figured out (with the help of my father) to make into line drawings and that are then transferred to fabric. They're very life like and I'm doing my best to be precise in my embroidery of the features for each picture.
Last week I worked on my nephew. He's two and has chubby fingers, arms and cheeks... a quiet expression and hair that's too long in the front. I've been careful to embroider all his features lovingly and it's coming along... and I look at all his little details... and it's precious... but it's also hard. But I did it without faltering.
But today I was working to complete a set of grandparents... my parents... working carefully to define the faces and give shape to hair and eyes... and today, I realized that my family tree stops with me... and that's very hard... I used to feel frustrated because I didn't have a significant partner and therefore I was an awkward family member tied to my parents while my sister and brother have branched off and started their own families. But now, I have my own family. I have a husband and I find joy in that... and I do my best not to brood over the fact that we don't have children. After all, if I can't find happiness being single because I'm not married and then being married but barren... well, it seems to me then that there may always be some sort of thing missing and I'm never satisfied. I don't want this to be the case.
But today was a funny day. I woke up this morning fine as if it were any other day and then I found myself being anxious and angry. I found myself looking for reasons to be abrupt with my husband and to argue with him... he pointed out that he thought I wasn't being very nice and I checked myself quickly... then while out I started my period. I wish it was more regular so I could just say, "Brian on July 21st, stay away from me, I'll be grumpy" but it's not. I stayed away self engrossed in my quilt and then later talked to my parents... and there again, grumpiness... I had forgotten about my period and realized I was crazy... I immediately apologized. And then there's the fact that it's there... a dreaded reminder that I am not pregnant and probably will never be. And that's very, very, sad!
But I know I'm feeling these feelings because I am in my crazy time... my period time when I feel like the world is against me and I have anxiety, frustration and a terrible feeling of impending doom... and I'm just sensitive so I feel these infertility feelings more intensely now... I can't wait for this to pass and I can be normal again... normal for a few weeks anyway... and just feel the dulling pain of infertility instead of the intense pain I feel when I'm off my rocker with PMS. Truthfully, I think I'm going to get over this soon... it's somehow easier and easier to deal with this reality as time passes and we move on... maybe? Or maybe not... sometimes I feel strong and others... well others, I just don't. I guess today I just feel like it's a not strong day and that's okay... Brian will hold me. He'll sit down and let me sit on his lap and he'll hold me and hold me and hold me as long as I need him to do so and I'll be eternally grateful to him for this generosity of his...
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Hard questions
March 18, 2015
I've been thinking about this idea that you have to not only be brave enough to ask the hard questions, but to then resolve the hard questions... and I'm not talking about the question of shall I accept a donor egg or not... these questions... the ones I'll list in just a moment, are the ones a person in my position will dare not mention... they're the ones that you know if you say aloud someone somewhere will judge you so beware... and I'll beware... but here they come....
1. how will I pay for these procedures.... the procedures for donor egg are wildly expensive... they are in the tens of thousands... they cost specifically, 38,000 dollars on the low end and can easily creep up as a person gets carried away through each step... I mean, if you fail once, then the next time you'll win right? I've started to see it as a gambling addiction... where is your financial limit?
2. Is it moral to spend so much money on conception for procedures that are not guaranteed and have a low success rate? A very supportive cousin of mine asked the question... well, how much is a life worth? This kind of question, taken out of context, can seem to be quite cruel. Taken in context, it seems so shallow to worry about the financial part.
3. Is it moral to seek conception when there are so many wonderful children in need of a home. There have been those who have said to me, "You can't get pregnant? Why not just adopt?". I've thought about adoption a lot. But I have to say, adoption should not be just a consolation prize. What I mean is I don't want to say, oh no I can't get pregnant, well I guess I'll just adopt one... One should be done seeking to get pregnant before they start looking into adoption. It is true that I have noticed in two cases of several cases of adoptions that I know about, that if a parent adopts and then successfully gets pregnant afterward, then they have a different attitude for the adopted one. I would hope that this doesn't happen to me, but I know it could happen... If I adopt, I want it to be because I long to help raise a child without any more desire to bare a child. I would never want to consciously or unconsciously communicate to my adopted child that I had to adopt them because I couldn't get pregnant. I want to be able to say, I adopted you because I loved you in my mind and my heart and I wanted to share my life with you and you came to me... and that's what I want to say.
4. Why should it be so difficult to choose a donor. Just choose one, any one and then you'll be able to get pregnant and the baby will be yours because it grows in your body. Your body nourishes it no one can say it's not yours. My response to this is geeze louise! I know of those who put a great deal of though in things as trivial as the perfect wedding dress, the perfect dinner outfit... people put a lot of thought in what they eat. And what about the big questions... does one just go out and choose any car to buy before checking it out first, what about a house... I mean doesn't a person think about location, proximity to things like hospitals, schools, grocery stores... a school for their kids... I know people who buy on specific parts of town so their kid gets to go to the best possible school... isn't choosing the mother of your child warrant browsing through their profile, looking at their physical characteristics, their medical histories, the general disposition of each person... knowing something about them like their interests, dream and desires...
5. What about the physical characteristics. Is it moral to think about what the mother looks like before asking for her eggs? I mean, is it important? I have decided that it is....When I go shopping for my niece, I always look for dolls that look like her, that speak like her.... and I have. I mean, I buy her barbies and other baby dolls, but I also buy her the Hispanic doll that asks for mansanas and platanos because they resemble her and she's beautiful. Since I can't participate in the physical, medical, or any other genetic way I would want a donor that is closest to me and my genetic background. If there is a Hispanic woman that is willing to share her eggs with me, I hope I can find one.
6. What about the physical limitations. I'm a woman over 40 and while I am healthy, I am not young. It's very possible that my body will not be able to withstand the stress of pregnancy. I know this is the greatest fear that Brian has... and yet, I'm willing to try. That is, if I can look at those damn profiles.
7. And Finally, but definitely not for ever... the truth is I have new questions all the time even if they are asked in a slightly different way... what if I don't connect with my baby... the one we genetically engineered... the one we artificially created, what if I don't relate to this baby. It's the hardest question of all, but even mothers who bear children who's genetics they share can feel detached from their baby. I mentioned this to my therapist and she told me that she's actually seeing a woman who's great fear, this fear, has come true. She feels like a babysitter and is not the mother. And if you're a fan of horror movies, you see how this idea can become true... look at Rosemary's baby, or the Beast within... stories where the mom grows something within their bodies but it's a nighmare... they don't feel connected... and you'll say... well in Rosemary's baby, it's really not hers... it's the devils, but it is hers... she's genetically related. What about the Omen, Case 39.... oh, so many...
I was comforted by my dad a while ago because he said geeze! You are asking the questions that no body wants to ask... that's really brave... I agree, I think it's brave, and it's all my energy to think about them before we actually look at those profiles, Don't for one second think that I'm being negative... I'm not being negative. I'm doing my best. And I think it's fear of others thinking that these questions are negative that prevent us in this position from asking and thinking about them until it's too late. I mean, I have to get over these feelings before there's a baby that I can project these insecurities upon. Once the baby is here, there is no going back...you can't just undo everything and pretend it didn't happen... you make a baby, you make a baby.
I've been thinking about this idea that you have to not only be brave enough to ask the hard questions, but to then resolve the hard questions... and I'm not talking about the question of shall I accept a donor egg or not... these questions... the ones I'll list in just a moment, are the ones a person in my position will dare not mention... they're the ones that you know if you say aloud someone somewhere will judge you so beware... and I'll beware... but here they come....
1. how will I pay for these procedures.... the procedures for donor egg are wildly expensive... they are in the tens of thousands... they cost specifically, 38,000 dollars on the low end and can easily creep up as a person gets carried away through each step... I mean, if you fail once, then the next time you'll win right? I've started to see it as a gambling addiction... where is your financial limit?
2. Is it moral to spend so much money on conception for procedures that are not guaranteed and have a low success rate? A very supportive cousin of mine asked the question... well, how much is a life worth? This kind of question, taken out of context, can seem to be quite cruel. Taken in context, it seems so shallow to worry about the financial part.
3. Is it moral to seek conception when there are so many wonderful children in need of a home. There have been those who have said to me, "You can't get pregnant? Why not just adopt?". I've thought about adoption a lot. But I have to say, adoption should not be just a consolation prize. What I mean is I don't want to say, oh no I can't get pregnant, well I guess I'll just adopt one... One should be done seeking to get pregnant before they start looking into adoption. It is true that I have noticed in two cases of several cases of adoptions that I know about, that if a parent adopts and then successfully gets pregnant afterward, then they have a different attitude for the adopted one. I would hope that this doesn't happen to me, but I know it could happen... If I adopt, I want it to be because I long to help raise a child without any more desire to bare a child. I would never want to consciously or unconsciously communicate to my adopted child that I had to adopt them because I couldn't get pregnant. I want to be able to say, I adopted you because I loved you in my mind and my heart and I wanted to share my life with you and you came to me... and that's what I want to say.
4. Why should it be so difficult to choose a donor. Just choose one, any one and then you'll be able to get pregnant and the baby will be yours because it grows in your body. Your body nourishes it no one can say it's not yours. My response to this is geeze louise! I know of those who put a great deal of though in things as trivial as the perfect wedding dress, the perfect dinner outfit... people put a lot of thought in what they eat. And what about the big questions... does one just go out and choose any car to buy before checking it out first, what about a house... I mean doesn't a person think about location, proximity to things like hospitals, schools, grocery stores... a school for their kids... I know people who buy on specific parts of town so their kid gets to go to the best possible school... isn't choosing the mother of your child warrant browsing through their profile, looking at their physical characteristics, their medical histories, the general disposition of each person... knowing something about them like their interests, dream and desires...
5. What about the physical characteristics. Is it moral to think about what the mother looks like before asking for her eggs? I mean, is it important? I have decided that it is....When I go shopping for my niece, I always look for dolls that look like her, that speak like her.... and I have. I mean, I buy her barbies and other baby dolls, but I also buy her the Hispanic doll that asks for mansanas and platanos because they resemble her and she's beautiful. Since I can't participate in the physical, medical, or any other genetic way I would want a donor that is closest to me and my genetic background. If there is a Hispanic woman that is willing to share her eggs with me, I hope I can find one.
6. What about the physical limitations. I'm a woman over 40 and while I am healthy, I am not young. It's very possible that my body will not be able to withstand the stress of pregnancy. I know this is the greatest fear that Brian has... and yet, I'm willing to try. That is, if I can look at those damn profiles.
7. And Finally, but definitely not for ever... the truth is I have new questions all the time even if they are asked in a slightly different way... what if I don't connect with my baby... the one we genetically engineered... the one we artificially created, what if I don't relate to this baby. It's the hardest question of all, but even mothers who bear children who's genetics they share can feel detached from their baby. I mentioned this to my therapist and she told me that she's actually seeing a woman who's great fear, this fear, has come true. She feels like a babysitter and is not the mother. And if you're a fan of horror movies, you see how this idea can become true... look at Rosemary's baby, or the Beast within... stories where the mom grows something within their bodies but it's a nighmare... they don't feel connected... and you'll say... well in Rosemary's baby, it's really not hers... it's the devils, but it is hers... she's genetically related. What about the Omen, Case 39.... oh, so many...
I was comforted by my dad a while ago because he said geeze! You are asking the questions that no body wants to ask... that's really brave... I agree, I think it's brave, and it's all my energy to think about them before we actually look at those profiles, Don't for one second think that I'm being negative... I'm not being negative. I'm doing my best. And I think it's fear of others thinking that these questions are negative that prevent us in this position from asking and thinking about them until it's too late. I mean, I have to get over these feelings before there's a baby that I can project these insecurities upon. Once the baby is here, there is no going back...you can't just undo everything and pretend it didn't happen... you make a baby, you make a baby.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Coping...
March 2, 2015
Coping is not the easiest thing to do when faced with this type of situation. When I think about others working through this problem I feel like why should it be so difficult. I mean, it's not cancer. When I look at myself going through this problem, it's completely surreal and I don't recognize myself... it's like I'm outside of my body looking in and I wonder, what's the problem, it's not like it's cancer. I say this because someone actually said that to me and it stuck... "your problem could be worse, I mean, it's not like you have cancer."
Well, this kind of comment affects me because I have been by the side of my grandmother as she went through cancer, losing her battle finally after years of struggle. And I witnessed an aunt die of breast cancer, and I have two aunts who miraculously survived breast cancer and then an uncle who survived. Cancer is an illness that strikes in my family and some of us live and some of us don't yet we all struggle in grace and humility and I feel like yes, cancer is a giant, terrible problem.
Yet, I'm not getting over this infertility thing. I hurt and I feel guilty and I feel angry that I don't have this "superpower" women are supposed to have... the ability to grow a human being in their wombs. Actually, with me, we just know for sure that I can't create a human being in the womb... we just don't know if I could develop a human being in my womb....
To cope, I find myself paying attention to people out there who are sharing my situation.... and I found a story I admire.
George Burns and Gracie Allen were married in 1926. They were never able to conceive on their own and adopted in 1934, nearly 10 years with this struggle. I admire this couple because they had a solid marriage, one filled with love and laughter. George Burns lived 100 years and the last 30 or so without his wife... yet, he had a full life with her. They had a full life together, loved each other and enjoyed a family life with two adopted children.
I really want to get over this problem so that Brian and I can resolve our situation and move on with our lives. I know that I have to get over each stage one at a time, move through each stage at our own pace and then at the end... maybe we'll have children and maybe we won't... Whatever our outcome, I hope we'll be happy and healthy.
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