July 10, 2015
The end of our Journey is finally upon us. It actually happened during the Memorial Day weekend, but it's taken me since then to gather the strength to accept it and move on...
On the weekend, we set aside time to look very carefully through the profiles of women willing to help us in this situation... actually, my husband had told me that I could take the lead in this and do it myself... It took quite a while to grasp the idea that yes, this would be the only way we could move forward, that this was the answer to how we would get pregnant... and that took a long time. So long in fact that our password expired and I needed to get another one active before continuing... and so we did... or rather I did. I found a perfect donor, one that I felt I could relate to, and that if I saw her on the street under different circumstances that I could reach out and befriend her... I told my husband and he felt that I didn't really look carefully enough... so now he wanted to be involved... he had us look through every single person, read every word of each application... we whittled down our choice to just 10, then six and then two... one of whom was the one that I had originally chosen... and then I said I'd call on Monday... after the holiday weekend... and we were done. We were complete. The choice was made....
Then out of the blue, with everything in place, Brian finally said that he just wasn't comfortable with the amount of risk. That he felt if I were to continue that it would be very bad for me health wise. He finally said that if anything happened to me he didn't know what he would do.
It made sense to me and for the moment I really had to hear what he said, because the truth is that he never voices an opinion unless he completely feels it. He'd rather say yes than no unless he really needed to say no... and so he was saying no....
His concerns, they are all valid. 10 years ago, if we were having this problem together 10 years ago... then we would move forward. But the truth is that I am facing my 43 birthday. I am overweight, and we just don't know what a pregnancy would do to my health. I have accepted my husband's concern. And while I know that my tolerance for risk is much higher than his, I am afraid to go through pregnancy and childbirth and motherhood at this stage in my life...
A good friend of mine just came for a visit with me. She brought her 7 mo. old baby and I watched her with him. She's soooo happy, and me there watching, wondering... it is so physical having a child that young.
At this point... any explanation I may have for not moving forward with pregnancy with a donor egg, or adoption is now private. Any explanation will never be enough for those who are facing this problem or a different one regarding infertility or from the point of view of a parent... I could never justify myself to anyone in a way people would find acceptable.... If I say I don't think I'm healthy enough many will respond that unhealthy parents give birth all the time. Whatever I say about adoption will be countered on all levels.... I must find my own peace and no longer worry about what others say about our choices.
I will only say that from this point on that we have chosen to live a childless lifestyle. I have found peace with this decision and will no longer be writing about infertility in a blog.
I appreciate the opportunities writing in blogs present for the healing process.
Larisa
