July 10, 2015
The end of our Journey is finally upon us. It actually happened during the Memorial Day weekend, but it's taken me since then to gather the strength to accept it and move on...
On the weekend, we set aside time to look very carefully through the profiles of women willing to help us in this situation... actually, my husband had told me that I could take the lead in this and do it myself... It took quite a while to grasp the idea that yes, this would be the only way we could move forward, that this was the answer to how we would get pregnant... and that took a long time. So long in fact that our password expired and I needed to get another one active before continuing... and so we did... or rather I did. I found a perfect donor, one that I felt I could relate to, and that if I saw her on the street under different circumstances that I could reach out and befriend her... I told my husband and he felt that I didn't really look carefully enough... so now he wanted to be involved... he had us look through every single person, read every word of each application... we whittled down our choice to just 10, then six and then two... one of whom was the one that I had originally chosen... and then I said I'd call on Monday... after the holiday weekend... and we were done. We were complete. The choice was made....
Then out of the blue, with everything in place, Brian finally said that he just wasn't comfortable with the amount of risk. That he felt if I were to continue that it would be very bad for me health wise. He finally said that if anything happened to me he didn't know what he would do.
It made sense to me and for the moment I really had to hear what he said, because the truth is that he never voices an opinion unless he completely feels it. He'd rather say yes than no unless he really needed to say no... and so he was saying no....
His concerns, they are all valid. 10 years ago, if we were having this problem together 10 years ago... then we would move forward. But the truth is that I am facing my 43 birthday. I am overweight, and we just don't know what a pregnancy would do to my health. I have accepted my husband's concern. And while I know that my tolerance for risk is much higher than his, I am afraid to go through pregnancy and childbirth and motherhood at this stage in my life...
A good friend of mine just came for a visit with me. She brought her 7 mo. old baby and I watched her with him. She's soooo happy, and me there watching, wondering... it is so physical having a child that young.
At this point... any explanation I may have for not moving forward with pregnancy with a donor egg, or adoption is now private. Any explanation will never be enough for those who are facing this problem or a different one regarding infertility or from the point of view of a parent... I could never justify myself to anyone in a way people would find acceptable.... If I say I don't think I'm healthy enough many will respond that unhealthy parents give birth all the time. Whatever I say about adoption will be countered on all levels.... I must find my own peace and no longer worry about what others say about our choices.
I will only say that from this point on that we have chosen to live a childless lifestyle. I have found peace with this decision and will no longer be writing about infertility in a blog.
I appreciate the opportunities writing in blogs present for the healing process.
Larisa
Friday, July 10, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
... the missing period...
May 18, 2015
So, one thing that infertility does is make you hyper vigilant about your period. You mark your calendar, you count your days... you start making observations about your body that you took for granted before and then when it hits, you cry and cry. This past month has been crazy. I had a dental appointment for a root canal and I knew there'd be x rays. I know x rays are harmful so I had to be sure I wasn't pregnant... pregnant... as if... but where was my period? I thought maybe it came on April 3 because I was feeling cramps and symptoms but nothing must of come from that because I didn't actually write it down and it was less than two weeks after the one before... March 22.
Well, now it's May 18 and it looks like I skipped one. Because of the dentist, I knew I was going to have to take the test... I knew what the result would be... and sure enough... "NOT PREGNANT" showed up on the test. SIGH... Then, after the appointment, it finally hit. My period's acting weird. I can't help but wonder if it's the beginning of menopause... and I've pretty much effectively lost hope that I'm going to get pregnant... I'm not crying... I haven't really cried in a while... I wonder what that means.... maybe that I'm just tired of this whole thing.
So, one thing that infertility does is make you hyper vigilant about your period. You mark your calendar, you count your days... you start making observations about your body that you took for granted before and then when it hits, you cry and cry. This past month has been crazy. I had a dental appointment for a root canal and I knew there'd be x rays. I know x rays are harmful so I had to be sure I wasn't pregnant... pregnant... as if... but where was my period? I thought maybe it came on April 3 because I was feeling cramps and symptoms but nothing must of come from that because I didn't actually write it down and it was less than two weeks after the one before... March 22.
Well, now it's May 18 and it looks like I skipped one. Because of the dentist, I knew I was going to have to take the test... I knew what the result would be... and sure enough... "NOT PREGNANT" showed up on the test. SIGH... Then, after the appointment, it finally hit. My period's acting weird. I can't help but wonder if it's the beginning of menopause... and I've pretty much effectively lost hope that I'm going to get pregnant... I'm not crying... I haven't really cried in a while... I wonder what that means.... maybe that I'm just tired of this whole thing.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Lost period? WTF
May 12, 2015
So this year has been very intense already. We were supposed to start with our embryo adoption/ donor egg IVF whatever this year in January but then we got invited to be a confirmation sponsor, baptism sponser a wedding and a conference in a major city.... I really wanted to participate in these things and it's been hard to get over the idea that I can't get pregnant with my own eggs so call it what you want, procrastination etc... but I wanted to do this with my husband and to take a moment and step back. Getting my heat around not getting pregnant on my own eggs... it's hard, very, very hard... and I needed a break.
Well, during this time I've been taking meticulous notes on my period... and my last one was on March 22. I didn't think about it.. I admit, I dropped the ball, lost track... and day before yesterday I went to have my throat checked for strep at the minute clinic and she asked about the last period... and I realized that I didn't have a period in April. She said, we'll are you SURE you're not pregnant. Of course not, ovaries are toast... no way... no way I say.
It stewed in my brain for a day or so and last night I finally took a pregnancy test... sure enough.. NOT pregnant. Sigh... well, if I'm not pregnant, then where or where is my damn period... and I feel like a high school or college student waiting, waiting, waiting and scared to death... but I want a baby.
So this year has been very intense already. We were supposed to start with our embryo adoption/ donor egg IVF whatever this year in January but then we got invited to be a confirmation sponsor, baptism sponser a wedding and a conference in a major city.... I really wanted to participate in these things and it's been hard to get over the idea that I can't get pregnant with my own eggs so call it what you want, procrastination etc... but I wanted to do this with my husband and to take a moment and step back. Getting my heat around not getting pregnant on my own eggs... it's hard, very, very hard... and I needed a break.
Well, during this time I've been taking meticulous notes on my period... and my last one was on March 22. I didn't think about it.. I admit, I dropped the ball, lost track... and day before yesterday I went to have my throat checked for strep at the minute clinic and she asked about the last period... and I realized that I didn't have a period in April. She said, we'll are you SURE you're not pregnant. Of course not, ovaries are toast... no way... no way I say.
It stewed in my brain for a day or so and last night I finally took a pregnancy test... sure enough.. NOT pregnant. Sigh... well, if I'm not pregnant, then where or where is my damn period... and I feel like a high school or college student waiting, waiting, waiting and scared to death... but I want a baby.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Egg Specting TWo
April 8, 2015
Still can't get that baby announcement out of my head.... The part I think about are the words.....
Egg-specting... "We Prayed and God Answered" and I can't stop thinking about why God answered us and said 'NOT"... sigh..
Still can't get that baby announcement out of my head.... The part I think about are the words.....
Egg-specting... "We Prayed and God Answered" and I can't stop thinking about why God answered us and said 'NOT"... sigh..
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Egg- specting...
April 5, 2015
That was the pregnancy announcement that came on face book this morning... and at first I was okay... but I haven't been able to stop thinking and thinking and thinking about it and I'm very happy for the couple, but so sad for me... so very, very sad... that in this season... this season of rebirth, resurrection and new life that I wear a body that cannot bring life...
Face book... it's such a double edged sword... you can find so much support there and so much trigger... so much reminder of what you cannot do.
That was the pregnancy announcement that came on face book this morning... and at first I was okay... but I haven't been able to stop thinking and thinking and thinking about it and I'm very happy for the couple, but so sad for me... so very, very sad... that in this season... this season of rebirth, resurrection and new life that I wear a body that cannot bring life...
Face book... it's such a double edged sword... you can find so much support there and so much trigger... so much reminder of what you cannot do.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Hyperviligence
April 3, 2015
I know it can't be my period. I know this because according to my calendar I had it last March 22... but my body aches, my ovaries ache... I feel frustrated and of course the typical grumpiness.... and yet, it just can't be...
But the truth is that this is what my periods are like... they begin with terrible cramps even less than two week after my period, I have this terrible PMS. And only now with my hyperviligence... the tracking the counting am I starting to understand this about myself.
Only now... with all this new knowledge... I find myself hurting and preparing for the day it actually hits and then I can be reminded about how stupid my body is... the remnant of what I might have been able to do in my past... a past I shouldn't think about because my physical being may have been capable, but I didn't have a partner. I didn't have a person I could make a family with... and that's the basic unit of a family... the two who begin the journey together...
And this is my life... 1/2 of it dedicated to the symptoms of creating life, just as it has since I was 9 years old... literally, 1/2 of it... week 1 period, week 2 recovery/ begin early PMS, week 3 PMS, week 4 period again... cycle starts again... every 23 days... all my life since 3rd. grade. And all of this in vain... as my body can not conceive life... and I have to accept this... and I have to accept it even with reminders every 23 days...
It's sad... very, very sad. But I have to keep a happy face... they say if you pretend, then you can "catch" happiness... and this is my goal... pretend... or as one of my closest cousins says, "fake it till you make it..." This is my life.
I know it can't be my period. I know this because according to my calendar I had it last March 22... but my body aches, my ovaries ache... I feel frustrated and of course the typical grumpiness.... and yet, it just can't be...
But the truth is that this is what my periods are like... they begin with terrible cramps even less than two week after my period, I have this terrible PMS. And only now with my hyperviligence... the tracking the counting am I starting to understand this about myself.
Only now... with all this new knowledge... I find myself hurting and preparing for the day it actually hits and then I can be reminded about how stupid my body is... the remnant of what I might have been able to do in my past... a past I shouldn't think about because my physical being may have been capable, but I didn't have a partner. I didn't have a person I could make a family with... and that's the basic unit of a family... the two who begin the journey together...
And this is my life... 1/2 of it dedicated to the symptoms of creating life, just as it has since I was 9 years old... literally, 1/2 of it... week 1 period, week 2 recovery/ begin early PMS, week 3 PMS, week 4 period again... cycle starts again... every 23 days... all my life since 3rd. grade. And all of this in vain... as my body can not conceive life... and I have to accept this... and I have to accept it even with reminders every 23 days...
It's sad... very, very sad. But I have to keep a happy face... they say if you pretend, then you can "catch" happiness... and this is my goal... pretend... or as one of my closest cousins says, "fake it till you make it..." This is my life.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Inadequacies...
April 1, 2015
When I think about mother hood it's this very romanticized idea of female right of passage... A woman has a child and then together with her partner, does her best to raise him... or her... and when grown goes off into the world and lives their own lives... leaving the woman to live out the rest of her days alongside her partner... Then at the time when the child has benefited completely from his.. her... parents and left, the parents can begin to think of other things like traveling and gardening and enjoying their hobbies and from time to time is truely blessed... enjoying the company of grandchildren. What a lovely, lovely idea... goal for living...
It seems to me that I've done this backwards... I've gone to school, studied, traveled, worked and now am only recently married and in the effort to maintain a quiet, stress free environment to facilitate pregnancy in my quite older body, have quit my job and am essentially retired.... so I work carefully on my hobbies, continue to study and learn various things and keep our home... happily with my partner. But there is a sadness there and I wish I could keep company with a child... be it my own or the offspring of my hypothetical child... and enjoy and be happy... my goal for living.
To continue through the fantasy, I've participated in mothering in different ways... I've been a school teacher for 15 years... and I've always tried to be the best possible aunt to my nieces and nephews... and they see me as someone wonderful... both my siblings and their children... but I make mistakes.
Recently I made a mistake with my brother's daughter. She is 12, that age of questioning authority and learning the art of manipulation that middle school teachers talk so much about; and I was taken for "ride" so to speak. To complicate matters, her mother and my brother have gone through their own messy divorce and they don't get along... and for the sake of these children... both loving each parent as they should, I try to be Switzerland... that safe neutral zone where I don't judge or express opinion either way to provide the safest possible zone for these kids. Both parents know where their mistakes are and love their kids and are trying desperately to resolve their feelings and their differences. It's not easy. Divorce is not easy... not for anyone much less the helpless bystanders who are related, but can do nothing and just see the closeness of a relationship with the children quickly and horribly dissolving not being able to do anything except wait patiently for the storm to clear and pick up the pieces quietly and painstakingly.
Well, the arrangement is that one parent has one week and the other the following week. Most activities and events need to take place with the understanding of this arrangement and it's only through the efforts of the parents that adjustments can be made... which can be very taxing for them. It is during one of these times that I made my horrible mistake. It was a mistake out of cowardice and laziness... retrospectively I think that if I made a better decision, I could have avoided the whole mess.... Basically, I was at a family gathers, I brought along my niece as is my custom... when I'm in town (I live about 450 miles away) I go get her so we can spend time together... and she enjoyed time with her cousins on our side of our family. After the party, she wanted to stay longer and made arrangements without my knowledge with her father to stay and spend the night so she could continue to play. The problem is that she asked permission to stay but didn't make workable plans for a pickup which was intense given that the households are 30 miles away from each other. When she told me she was staying, I asked her if she had permission to stay... and then how she would get home... when I questioned her more she said I could call her dad and she really seemed to have permission so I let it lie... even though in my heart I knew I should have talked to her dad. Also, since their divorce, I know her mom doesn't want to talk to me so I avoid that route.. to complicate things more it was her mother's week and the arrangement was an unspoken one between the two of us, me and her mother, not me and her father. Well, you can see where the rest of this went... my niece struggled with both parents about asking to come home and of course she got in trouble... then I got a text from her mother explaining about the blow out and it turns out my niece decided to stay with her day, even though it was her mother's week. This is very sad... I think that if I would have just make a couple of calls, I could have avoided this situation and all the parents would have been informed and aware of any additional commitments... and more able to say yes or no... This is where I get angry with my self as a person who desires to be a parent. I think if I can't predict this kind of problem... which I'm a school teacher and should be able to see something like this coming from a mile away... it's like I'm not with it enough to be a parent.
I feel a lot of guilt about this... and I feel a lot of guilt about my dog. So he has been struggling with his ears for a while and I look at them and looked at them and thought there was a problem, but I put off doing anything about it because I didn't want to have to take him to the doctors... and I wasn't sure he was sick... it wasn't until he was yelling in pain that I realized something was up.. and I should have been more in tune with him. The vet was a couple of miles away, the medicine was cheap and with attention and care, my dog was better in three days... he's so happy now and doesn't in anyway look like he could have been that sick, but he was... I worry that if I have a child I won't be able to understand their non verbal cues so easily and I fear the child will suffer needlessly.
When I make mistakes like these, I really feel like you could name me mother of the year (NOT)... it makes me very, very sad...
At the same time, writing them down here I see that maybe I could be a good parent... maybe what I should do is look at my niece thing as something else... that she's 12 and only thinks that if she asks a parent (it doesn't matter which one when) it should count... and forgets to think about getting home because of her maturity level. This is a better thought than she took advantage of me right... I did talk to her about the situation, but I didn't yell at her. That's good too. We talked with even voices.
And with my dog... maybe if I looked at it as I saw he was in pain and I immediately took him to the doctor... well, then that's good. Good parents take their family members to the doctor when they suspect they're ill. I don't know, maybe I could be a good parent.
Maybe this writing thing is a good way to help change your thinking and work towards understanding, compassion and love... and solving problems. This one... this giant, heavy, terrible problem of infertility.
When I think about mother hood it's this very romanticized idea of female right of passage... A woman has a child and then together with her partner, does her best to raise him... or her... and when grown goes off into the world and lives their own lives... leaving the woman to live out the rest of her days alongside her partner... Then at the time when the child has benefited completely from his.. her... parents and left, the parents can begin to think of other things like traveling and gardening and enjoying their hobbies and from time to time is truely blessed... enjoying the company of grandchildren. What a lovely, lovely idea... goal for living...
It seems to me that I've done this backwards... I've gone to school, studied, traveled, worked and now am only recently married and in the effort to maintain a quiet, stress free environment to facilitate pregnancy in my quite older body, have quit my job and am essentially retired.... so I work carefully on my hobbies, continue to study and learn various things and keep our home... happily with my partner. But there is a sadness there and I wish I could keep company with a child... be it my own or the offspring of my hypothetical child... and enjoy and be happy... my goal for living.
To continue through the fantasy, I've participated in mothering in different ways... I've been a school teacher for 15 years... and I've always tried to be the best possible aunt to my nieces and nephews... and they see me as someone wonderful... both my siblings and their children... but I make mistakes.
Recently I made a mistake with my brother's daughter. She is 12, that age of questioning authority and learning the art of manipulation that middle school teachers talk so much about; and I was taken for "ride" so to speak. To complicate matters, her mother and my brother have gone through their own messy divorce and they don't get along... and for the sake of these children... both loving each parent as they should, I try to be Switzerland... that safe neutral zone where I don't judge or express opinion either way to provide the safest possible zone for these kids. Both parents know where their mistakes are and love their kids and are trying desperately to resolve their feelings and their differences. It's not easy. Divorce is not easy... not for anyone much less the helpless bystanders who are related, but can do nothing and just see the closeness of a relationship with the children quickly and horribly dissolving not being able to do anything except wait patiently for the storm to clear and pick up the pieces quietly and painstakingly.
Well, the arrangement is that one parent has one week and the other the following week. Most activities and events need to take place with the understanding of this arrangement and it's only through the efforts of the parents that adjustments can be made... which can be very taxing for them. It is during one of these times that I made my horrible mistake. It was a mistake out of cowardice and laziness... retrospectively I think that if I made a better decision, I could have avoided the whole mess.... Basically, I was at a family gathers, I brought along my niece as is my custom... when I'm in town (I live about 450 miles away) I go get her so we can spend time together... and she enjoyed time with her cousins on our side of our family. After the party, she wanted to stay longer and made arrangements without my knowledge with her father to stay and spend the night so she could continue to play. The problem is that she asked permission to stay but didn't make workable plans for a pickup which was intense given that the households are 30 miles away from each other. When she told me she was staying, I asked her if she had permission to stay... and then how she would get home... when I questioned her more she said I could call her dad and she really seemed to have permission so I let it lie... even though in my heart I knew I should have talked to her dad. Also, since their divorce, I know her mom doesn't want to talk to me so I avoid that route.. to complicate things more it was her mother's week and the arrangement was an unspoken one between the two of us, me and her mother, not me and her father. Well, you can see where the rest of this went... my niece struggled with both parents about asking to come home and of course she got in trouble... then I got a text from her mother explaining about the blow out and it turns out my niece decided to stay with her day, even though it was her mother's week. This is very sad... I think that if I would have just make a couple of calls, I could have avoided this situation and all the parents would have been informed and aware of any additional commitments... and more able to say yes or no... This is where I get angry with my self as a person who desires to be a parent. I think if I can't predict this kind of problem... which I'm a school teacher and should be able to see something like this coming from a mile away... it's like I'm not with it enough to be a parent.
I feel a lot of guilt about this... and I feel a lot of guilt about my dog. So he has been struggling with his ears for a while and I look at them and looked at them and thought there was a problem, but I put off doing anything about it because I didn't want to have to take him to the doctors... and I wasn't sure he was sick... it wasn't until he was yelling in pain that I realized something was up.. and I should have been more in tune with him. The vet was a couple of miles away, the medicine was cheap and with attention and care, my dog was better in three days... he's so happy now and doesn't in anyway look like he could have been that sick, but he was... I worry that if I have a child I won't be able to understand their non verbal cues so easily and I fear the child will suffer needlessly.
When I make mistakes like these, I really feel like you could name me mother of the year (NOT)... it makes me very, very sad...
At the same time, writing them down here I see that maybe I could be a good parent... maybe what I should do is look at my niece thing as something else... that she's 12 and only thinks that if she asks a parent (it doesn't matter which one when) it should count... and forgets to think about getting home because of her maturity level. This is a better thought than she took advantage of me right... I did talk to her about the situation, but I didn't yell at her. That's good too. We talked with even voices.
And with my dog... maybe if I looked at it as I saw he was in pain and I immediately took him to the doctor... well, then that's good. Good parents take their family members to the doctor when they suspect they're ill. I don't know, maybe I could be a good parent.
Maybe this writing thing is a good way to help change your thinking and work towards understanding, compassion and love... and solving problems. This one... this giant, heavy, terrible problem of infertility.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
A Heritage Quilt...
March 22, 2015
I'm working on a heritage quilt for my 2 year old nephew. I guess it shouldn't be surprising at how hard it is to do.... I have about 11 photos that I have figured out (with the help of my father) to make into line drawings and that are then transferred to fabric. They're very life like and I'm doing my best to be precise in my embroidery of the features for each picture.
Last week I worked on my nephew. He's two and has chubby fingers, arms and cheeks... a quiet expression and hair that's too long in the front. I've been careful to embroider all his features lovingly and it's coming along... and I look at all his little details... and it's precious... but it's also hard. But I did it without faltering.
But today I was working to complete a set of grandparents... my parents... working carefully to define the faces and give shape to hair and eyes... and today, I realized that my family tree stops with me... and that's very hard... I used to feel frustrated because I didn't have a significant partner and therefore I was an awkward family member tied to my parents while my sister and brother have branched off and started their own families. But now, I have my own family. I have a husband and I find joy in that... and I do my best not to brood over the fact that we don't have children. After all, if I can't find happiness being single because I'm not married and then being married but barren... well, it seems to me then that there may always be some sort of thing missing and I'm never satisfied. I don't want this to be the case.
But today was a funny day. I woke up this morning fine as if it were any other day and then I found myself being anxious and angry. I found myself looking for reasons to be abrupt with my husband and to argue with him... he pointed out that he thought I wasn't being very nice and I checked myself quickly... then while out I started my period. I wish it was more regular so I could just say, "Brian on July 21st, stay away from me, I'll be grumpy" but it's not. I stayed away self engrossed in my quilt and then later talked to my parents... and there again, grumpiness... I had forgotten about my period and realized I was crazy... I immediately apologized. And then there's the fact that it's there... a dreaded reminder that I am not pregnant and probably will never be. And that's very, very, sad!
But I know I'm feeling these feelings because I am in my crazy time... my period time when I feel like the world is against me and I have anxiety, frustration and a terrible feeling of impending doom... and I'm just sensitive so I feel these infertility feelings more intensely now... I can't wait for this to pass and I can be normal again... normal for a few weeks anyway... and just feel the dulling pain of infertility instead of the intense pain I feel when I'm off my rocker with PMS. Truthfully, I think I'm going to get over this soon... it's somehow easier and easier to deal with this reality as time passes and we move on... maybe? Or maybe not... sometimes I feel strong and others... well others, I just don't. I guess today I just feel like it's a not strong day and that's okay... Brian will hold me. He'll sit down and let me sit on his lap and he'll hold me and hold me and hold me as long as I need him to do so and I'll be eternally grateful to him for this generosity of his...
I'm working on a heritage quilt for my 2 year old nephew. I guess it shouldn't be surprising at how hard it is to do.... I have about 11 photos that I have figured out (with the help of my father) to make into line drawings and that are then transferred to fabric. They're very life like and I'm doing my best to be precise in my embroidery of the features for each picture.
Last week I worked on my nephew. He's two and has chubby fingers, arms and cheeks... a quiet expression and hair that's too long in the front. I've been careful to embroider all his features lovingly and it's coming along... and I look at all his little details... and it's precious... but it's also hard. But I did it without faltering.
But today I was working to complete a set of grandparents... my parents... working carefully to define the faces and give shape to hair and eyes... and today, I realized that my family tree stops with me... and that's very hard... I used to feel frustrated because I didn't have a significant partner and therefore I was an awkward family member tied to my parents while my sister and brother have branched off and started their own families. But now, I have my own family. I have a husband and I find joy in that... and I do my best not to brood over the fact that we don't have children. After all, if I can't find happiness being single because I'm not married and then being married but barren... well, it seems to me then that there may always be some sort of thing missing and I'm never satisfied. I don't want this to be the case.
But today was a funny day. I woke up this morning fine as if it were any other day and then I found myself being anxious and angry. I found myself looking for reasons to be abrupt with my husband and to argue with him... he pointed out that he thought I wasn't being very nice and I checked myself quickly... then while out I started my period. I wish it was more regular so I could just say, "Brian on July 21st, stay away from me, I'll be grumpy" but it's not. I stayed away self engrossed in my quilt and then later talked to my parents... and there again, grumpiness... I had forgotten about my period and realized I was crazy... I immediately apologized. And then there's the fact that it's there... a dreaded reminder that I am not pregnant and probably will never be. And that's very, very, sad!
But I know I'm feeling these feelings because I am in my crazy time... my period time when I feel like the world is against me and I have anxiety, frustration and a terrible feeling of impending doom... and I'm just sensitive so I feel these infertility feelings more intensely now... I can't wait for this to pass and I can be normal again... normal for a few weeks anyway... and just feel the dulling pain of infertility instead of the intense pain I feel when I'm off my rocker with PMS. Truthfully, I think I'm going to get over this soon... it's somehow easier and easier to deal with this reality as time passes and we move on... maybe? Or maybe not... sometimes I feel strong and others... well others, I just don't. I guess today I just feel like it's a not strong day and that's okay... Brian will hold me. He'll sit down and let me sit on his lap and he'll hold me and hold me and hold me as long as I need him to do so and I'll be eternally grateful to him for this generosity of his...
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Hard questions
March 18, 2015
I've been thinking about this idea that you have to not only be brave enough to ask the hard questions, but to then resolve the hard questions... and I'm not talking about the question of shall I accept a donor egg or not... these questions... the ones I'll list in just a moment, are the ones a person in my position will dare not mention... they're the ones that you know if you say aloud someone somewhere will judge you so beware... and I'll beware... but here they come....
1. how will I pay for these procedures.... the procedures for donor egg are wildly expensive... they are in the tens of thousands... they cost specifically, 38,000 dollars on the low end and can easily creep up as a person gets carried away through each step... I mean, if you fail once, then the next time you'll win right? I've started to see it as a gambling addiction... where is your financial limit?
2. Is it moral to spend so much money on conception for procedures that are not guaranteed and have a low success rate? A very supportive cousin of mine asked the question... well, how much is a life worth? This kind of question, taken out of context, can seem to be quite cruel. Taken in context, it seems so shallow to worry about the financial part.
3. Is it moral to seek conception when there are so many wonderful children in need of a home. There have been those who have said to me, "You can't get pregnant? Why not just adopt?". I've thought about adoption a lot. But I have to say, adoption should not be just a consolation prize. What I mean is I don't want to say, oh no I can't get pregnant, well I guess I'll just adopt one... One should be done seeking to get pregnant before they start looking into adoption. It is true that I have noticed in two cases of several cases of adoptions that I know about, that if a parent adopts and then successfully gets pregnant afterward, then they have a different attitude for the adopted one. I would hope that this doesn't happen to me, but I know it could happen... If I adopt, I want it to be because I long to help raise a child without any more desire to bare a child. I would never want to consciously or unconsciously communicate to my adopted child that I had to adopt them because I couldn't get pregnant. I want to be able to say, I adopted you because I loved you in my mind and my heart and I wanted to share my life with you and you came to me... and that's what I want to say.
4. Why should it be so difficult to choose a donor. Just choose one, any one and then you'll be able to get pregnant and the baby will be yours because it grows in your body. Your body nourishes it no one can say it's not yours. My response to this is geeze louise! I know of those who put a great deal of though in things as trivial as the perfect wedding dress, the perfect dinner outfit... people put a lot of thought in what they eat. And what about the big questions... does one just go out and choose any car to buy before checking it out first, what about a house... I mean doesn't a person think about location, proximity to things like hospitals, schools, grocery stores... a school for their kids... I know people who buy on specific parts of town so their kid gets to go to the best possible school... isn't choosing the mother of your child warrant browsing through their profile, looking at their physical characteristics, their medical histories, the general disposition of each person... knowing something about them like their interests, dream and desires...
5. What about the physical characteristics. Is it moral to think about what the mother looks like before asking for her eggs? I mean, is it important? I have decided that it is....When I go shopping for my niece, I always look for dolls that look like her, that speak like her.... and I have. I mean, I buy her barbies and other baby dolls, but I also buy her the Hispanic doll that asks for mansanas and platanos because they resemble her and she's beautiful. Since I can't participate in the physical, medical, or any other genetic way I would want a donor that is closest to me and my genetic background. If there is a Hispanic woman that is willing to share her eggs with me, I hope I can find one.
6. What about the physical limitations. I'm a woman over 40 and while I am healthy, I am not young. It's very possible that my body will not be able to withstand the stress of pregnancy. I know this is the greatest fear that Brian has... and yet, I'm willing to try. That is, if I can look at those damn profiles.
7. And Finally, but definitely not for ever... the truth is I have new questions all the time even if they are asked in a slightly different way... what if I don't connect with my baby... the one we genetically engineered... the one we artificially created, what if I don't relate to this baby. It's the hardest question of all, but even mothers who bear children who's genetics they share can feel detached from their baby. I mentioned this to my therapist and she told me that she's actually seeing a woman who's great fear, this fear, has come true. She feels like a babysitter and is not the mother. And if you're a fan of horror movies, you see how this idea can become true... look at Rosemary's baby, or the Beast within... stories where the mom grows something within their bodies but it's a nighmare... they don't feel connected... and you'll say... well in Rosemary's baby, it's really not hers... it's the devils, but it is hers... she's genetically related. What about the Omen, Case 39.... oh, so many...
I was comforted by my dad a while ago because he said geeze! You are asking the questions that no body wants to ask... that's really brave... I agree, I think it's brave, and it's all my energy to think about them before we actually look at those profiles, Don't for one second think that I'm being negative... I'm not being negative. I'm doing my best. And I think it's fear of others thinking that these questions are negative that prevent us in this position from asking and thinking about them until it's too late. I mean, I have to get over these feelings before there's a baby that I can project these insecurities upon. Once the baby is here, there is no going back...you can't just undo everything and pretend it didn't happen... you make a baby, you make a baby.
I've been thinking about this idea that you have to not only be brave enough to ask the hard questions, but to then resolve the hard questions... and I'm not talking about the question of shall I accept a donor egg or not... these questions... the ones I'll list in just a moment, are the ones a person in my position will dare not mention... they're the ones that you know if you say aloud someone somewhere will judge you so beware... and I'll beware... but here they come....
1. how will I pay for these procedures.... the procedures for donor egg are wildly expensive... they are in the tens of thousands... they cost specifically, 38,000 dollars on the low end and can easily creep up as a person gets carried away through each step... I mean, if you fail once, then the next time you'll win right? I've started to see it as a gambling addiction... where is your financial limit?
2. Is it moral to spend so much money on conception for procedures that are not guaranteed and have a low success rate? A very supportive cousin of mine asked the question... well, how much is a life worth? This kind of question, taken out of context, can seem to be quite cruel. Taken in context, it seems so shallow to worry about the financial part.
3. Is it moral to seek conception when there are so many wonderful children in need of a home. There have been those who have said to me, "You can't get pregnant? Why not just adopt?". I've thought about adoption a lot. But I have to say, adoption should not be just a consolation prize. What I mean is I don't want to say, oh no I can't get pregnant, well I guess I'll just adopt one... One should be done seeking to get pregnant before they start looking into adoption. It is true that I have noticed in two cases of several cases of adoptions that I know about, that if a parent adopts and then successfully gets pregnant afterward, then they have a different attitude for the adopted one. I would hope that this doesn't happen to me, but I know it could happen... If I adopt, I want it to be because I long to help raise a child without any more desire to bare a child. I would never want to consciously or unconsciously communicate to my adopted child that I had to adopt them because I couldn't get pregnant. I want to be able to say, I adopted you because I loved you in my mind and my heart and I wanted to share my life with you and you came to me... and that's what I want to say.
4. Why should it be so difficult to choose a donor. Just choose one, any one and then you'll be able to get pregnant and the baby will be yours because it grows in your body. Your body nourishes it no one can say it's not yours. My response to this is geeze louise! I know of those who put a great deal of though in things as trivial as the perfect wedding dress, the perfect dinner outfit... people put a lot of thought in what they eat. And what about the big questions... does one just go out and choose any car to buy before checking it out first, what about a house... I mean doesn't a person think about location, proximity to things like hospitals, schools, grocery stores... a school for their kids... I know people who buy on specific parts of town so their kid gets to go to the best possible school... isn't choosing the mother of your child warrant browsing through their profile, looking at their physical characteristics, their medical histories, the general disposition of each person... knowing something about them like their interests, dream and desires...
5. What about the physical characteristics. Is it moral to think about what the mother looks like before asking for her eggs? I mean, is it important? I have decided that it is....When I go shopping for my niece, I always look for dolls that look like her, that speak like her.... and I have. I mean, I buy her barbies and other baby dolls, but I also buy her the Hispanic doll that asks for mansanas and platanos because they resemble her and she's beautiful. Since I can't participate in the physical, medical, or any other genetic way I would want a donor that is closest to me and my genetic background. If there is a Hispanic woman that is willing to share her eggs with me, I hope I can find one.
6. What about the physical limitations. I'm a woman over 40 and while I am healthy, I am not young. It's very possible that my body will not be able to withstand the stress of pregnancy. I know this is the greatest fear that Brian has... and yet, I'm willing to try. That is, if I can look at those damn profiles.
7. And Finally, but definitely not for ever... the truth is I have new questions all the time even if they are asked in a slightly different way... what if I don't connect with my baby... the one we genetically engineered... the one we artificially created, what if I don't relate to this baby. It's the hardest question of all, but even mothers who bear children who's genetics they share can feel detached from their baby. I mentioned this to my therapist and she told me that she's actually seeing a woman who's great fear, this fear, has come true. She feels like a babysitter and is not the mother. And if you're a fan of horror movies, you see how this idea can become true... look at Rosemary's baby, or the Beast within... stories where the mom grows something within their bodies but it's a nighmare... they don't feel connected... and you'll say... well in Rosemary's baby, it's really not hers... it's the devils, but it is hers... she's genetically related. What about the Omen, Case 39.... oh, so many...
I was comforted by my dad a while ago because he said geeze! You are asking the questions that no body wants to ask... that's really brave... I agree, I think it's brave, and it's all my energy to think about them before we actually look at those profiles, Don't for one second think that I'm being negative... I'm not being negative. I'm doing my best. And I think it's fear of others thinking that these questions are negative that prevent us in this position from asking and thinking about them until it's too late. I mean, I have to get over these feelings before there's a baby that I can project these insecurities upon. Once the baby is here, there is no going back...you can't just undo everything and pretend it didn't happen... you make a baby, you make a baby.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Coping...
March 2, 2015
Coping is not the easiest thing to do when faced with this type of situation. When I think about others working through this problem I feel like why should it be so difficult. I mean, it's not cancer. When I look at myself going through this problem, it's completely surreal and I don't recognize myself... it's like I'm outside of my body looking in and I wonder, what's the problem, it's not like it's cancer. I say this because someone actually said that to me and it stuck... "your problem could be worse, I mean, it's not like you have cancer."
Well, this kind of comment affects me because I have been by the side of my grandmother as she went through cancer, losing her battle finally after years of struggle. And I witnessed an aunt die of breast cancer, and I have two aunts who miraculously survived breast cancer and then an uncle who survived. Cancer is an illness that strikes in my family and some of us live and some of us don't yet we all struggle in grace and humility and I feel like yes, cancer is a giant, terrible problem.
Yet, I'm not getting over this infertility thing. I hurt and I feel guilty and I feel angry that I don't have this "superpower" women are supposed to have... the ability to grow a human being in their wombs. Actually, with me, we just know for sure that I can't create a human being in the womb... we just don't know if I could develop a human being in my womb....
To cope, I find myself paying attention to people out there who are sharing my situation.... and I found a story I admire.
George Burns and Gracie Allen were married in 1926. They were never able to conceive on their own and adopted in 1934, nearly 10 years with this struggle. I admire this couple because they had a solid marriage, one filled with love and laughter. George Burns lived 100 years and the last 30 or so without his wife... yet, he had a full life with her. They had a full life together, loved each other and enjoyed a family life with two adopted children.
I really want to get over this problem so that Brian and I can resolve our situation and move on with our lives. I know that I have to get over each stage one at a time, move through each stage at our own pace and then at the end... maybe we'll have children and maybe we won't... Whatever our outcome, I hope we'll be happy and healthy.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
My picture project
February 28, 2015
Hello,
It's been a long time since posting here, but I've noticed that this is a therapeutic journey and I only require myself to write if I am emotionally motivated or emotionally in need. I find that sometimes I should write, but I can't make myself... and other times I feel emotional so I write and it's like I've vomited out the bad feelings and I feel better. I've always felt that you feel better after a good vomit, but I know it's not healthy to do so unless of course you're writing metaphorically.
I have undertaken an enormous goal for this year. Since I am not working and I find myself at home with the precious commodity of time... I have taken it upon myself to archive all my family's photo prints, slides and negatives. This is no easy task since there are countless negatives and hundreds of slides. Yet, every day I've sat diligently looking through them and creating digital images. What has surprised me is this how emotional this process has been. I'm uncovering so many lovely treasures, pictures of our childhood, the looks and styles of our loved ones and those precious moments when relationships were different. Some of the pictures inevitably depict those of our family who have passed away. See those pictures, remembering times shared with them have brought joy along with sadness as I miss them terribly.
Reviewing them as I am, all at once over many years and phases in a life, I have noticed that pictures both lie to us and tell us truths. A picture may lie because a person will most often smile for a picture, yet their hearts might be broken or their minds are heavily occupied. I've seen this... yet, they also tell the truth. For example, I have always believed that I am very plain and not very pretty. Yet, I've come across pictures where I'm surprised at how well I've come out.
Pictures also share a pattern. I'm writing today in response to one, or maybe several.... I've noticed that my childhood pictures don't catch me playing with dolls. I pose with some, but I'm not actually playing with them. I play more heartily with the stuffed animals. I know that with my sister, she played with dolls. She has a very serious character, but when she was a child she played with dolls.
The other pattern I've noticed is that there are few pictures of me holding babies. I have them, because I've had to hold one or two babies being born into my family, but you can tell they are posed pictures... besides, I've always kind of had the reputation for not wanting to hold babies... then I came across one today that I thought was interesting. It was of friend that I had long ago. I suddenly remembered that she had an infertility problem as well. She had to take a very powerful drug for a medical condition she had which made it very dangerous for her to carry a child in her womb. I have since lost touch with this friend over the years, so I cannot tell for certain if she ever had a child, but I remember that she needed that medication. Regardless, I came across this picture of her, and she's holding this baby... and can see this yearning in her eyes, this tremendous desire... she was in her early twenties... it brought up memories of my impression of that at the time. I was about her same age, and I remember thinking she was insane to want a baby at her age. I felt that I was way too young to have a baby, that I hadn't really lived... and that once you have a baby then, well, you live for the child and not for yourself anymore... that's what I felt...
Today I look back on those feelings... and I find them ironic. I mean, I am now 42 years old. In my life I wanted to live, I wanted to travel and go to school. I figured a family could wait, besides I had boyfriends and I felt like I just couldn't make a relationship work. I knew for certain that I didn't want to mess around with marriage and if I were to do it I would met the Prince and get on with my life. I didn't realize how long it would be for me to find a really wonderful, stable, beautiful man that I could build my life with... So I concentrated on what I could control, travel, go to school, buy a house etc... and I went through all the stages... I saw my high school friends have babies or get married... then I saw all my college friends have babies and get married, then when I was in my career mode, I saw my friends from high school and college get divorced or have multiple children. I got scared. I didn't want to live in a loveless marriage or get married for convenience or be abused. I wanted true, stable love.
It came at age 36. We dated, we got married. I got married at 40. We are rounding out the second year of marriage and we've been trying and trying... and the doctor says they're really sorry.... it's been an adventure... and I don't know, I feel like maybe I should have done things differently, I should have had another focus... maybe I'd have a child.
But I can't let myself think like that. The truth is that I can't imagine a more perfect Prince Charming, a more suitable partner. He's 10 and 1/2 years younger than me. When I was learning how to be a good person, learning how to be in a relationship, learning how love without being selfish, my husband was becoming a man. I'm grateful to my experiences because they allowed me to meet someone truly special. I find a great deal of happiness in that.
But I can't help but wonder if all that fear of holding babies and disinterest in dolls as a child that I somehow brought on this curse myself. Something like self fulling prophesy. I don't know... but I can't allow those thoughts either. I can't allow myself to wonder... because the truth is that this is an invisible problem. Women can have this problem and never know if they never go out of their way to have a child. As a single woman, focused on her career, her education and general adventure... the issue never came up. I did think about having a child until I met my husband and wanted to give him one... but I do find it curious... how women show their desire... maybe their more worthy. Honestly, I still don't desire to hold a baby... and I fear that if I'm ever able to bear a child that perhaps I wouldn't connect... but those fears don't take away from the fact that I find it incredibly devastating that I can't get pregnant.
Hello,
It's been a long time since posting here, but I've noticed that this is a therapeutic journey and I only require myself to write if I am emotionally motivated or emotionally in need. I find that sometimes I should write, but I can't make myself... and other times I feel emotional so I write and it's like I've vomited out the bad feelings and I feel better. I've always felt that you feel better after a good vomit, but I know it's not healthy to do so unless of course you're writing metaphorically.
I have undertaken an enormous goal for this year. Since I am not working and I find myself at home with the precious commodity of time... I have taken it upon myself to archive all my family's photo prints, slides and negatives. This is no easy task since there are countless negatives and hundreds of slides. Yet, every day I've sat diligently looking through them and creating digital images. What has surprised me is this how emotional this process has been. I'm uncovering so many lovely treasures, pictures of our childhood, the looks and styles of our loved ones and those precious moments when relationships were different. Some of the pictures inevitably depict those of our family who have passed away. See those pictures, remembering times shared with them have brought joy along with sadness as I miss them terribly.
Reviewing them as I am, all at once over many years and phases in a life, I have noticed that pictures both lie to us and tell us truths. A picture may lie because a person will most often smile for a picture, yet their hearts might be broken or their minds are heavily occupied. I've seen this... yet, they also tell the truth. For example, I have always believed that I am very plain and not very pretty. Yet, I've come across pictures where I'm surprised at how well I've come out.
Pictures also share a pattern. I'm writing today in response to one, or maybe several.... I've noticed that my childhood pictures don't catch me playing with dolls. I pose with some, but I'm not actually playing with them. I play more heartily with the stuffed animals. I know that with my sister, she played with dolls. She has a very serious character, but when she was a child she played with dolls.
The other pattern I've noticed is that there are few pictures of me holding babies. I have them, because I've had to hold one or two babies being born into my family, but you can tell they are posed pictures... besides, I've always kind of had the reputation for not wanting to hold babies... then I came across one today that I thought was interesting. It was of friend that I had long ago. I suddenly remembered that she had an infertility problem as well. She had to take a very powerful drug for a medical condition she had which made it very dangerous for her to carry a child in her womb. I have since lost touch with this friend over the years, so I cannot tell for certain if she ever had a child, but I remember that she needed that medication. Regardless, I came across this picture of her, and she's holding this baby... and can see this yearning in her eyes, this tremendous desire... she was in her early twenties... it brought up memories of my impression of that at the time. I was about her same age, and I remember thinking she was insane to want a baby at her age. I felt that I was way too young to have a baby, that I hadn't really lived... and that once you have a baby then, well, you live for the child and not for yourself anymore... that's what I felt...
Today I look back on those feelings... and I find them ironic. I mean, I am now 42 years old. In my life I wanted to live, I wanted to travel and go to school. I figured a family could wait, besides I had boyfriends and I felt like I just couldn't make a relationship work. I knew for certain that I didn't want to mess around with marriage and if I were to do it I would met the Prince and get on with my life. I didn't realize how long it would be for me to find a really wonderful, stable, beautiful man that I could build my life with... So I concentrated on what I could control, travel, go to school, buy a house etc... and I went through all the stages... I saw my high school friends have babies or get married... then I saw all my college friends have babies and get married, then when I was in my career mode, I saw my friends from high school and college get divorced or have multiple children. I got scared. I didn't want to live in a loveless marriage or get married for convenience or be abused. I wanted true, stable love.
It came at age 36. We dated, we got married. I got married at 40. We are rounding out the second year of marriage and we've been trying and trying... and the doctor says they're really sorry.... it's been an adventure... and I don't know, I feel like maybe I should have done things differently, I should have had another focus... maybe I'd have a child.
But I can't let myself think like that. The truth is that I can't imagine a more perfect Prince Charming, a more suitable partner. He's 10 and 1/2 years younger than me. When I was learning how to be a good person, learning how to be in a relationship, learning how love without being selfish, my husband was becoming a man. I'm grateful to my experiences because they allowed me to meet someone truly special. I find a great deal of happiness in that.
But I can't help but wonder if all that fear of holding babies and disinterest in dolls as a child that I somehow brought on this curse myself. Something like self fulling prophesy. I don't know... but I can't allow those thoughts either. I can't allow myself to wonder... because the truth is that this is an invisible problem. Women can have this problem and never know if they never go out of their way to have a child. As a single woman, focused on her career, her education and general adventure... the issue never came up. I did think about having a child until I met my husband and wanted to give him one... but I do find it curious... how women show their desire... maybe their more worthy. Honestly, I still don't desire to hold a baby... and I fear that if I'm ever able to bear a child that perhaps I wouldn't connect... but those fears don't take away from the fact that I find it incredibly devastating that I can't get pregnant.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Constant reminders
January 12, 2015
One of the most difficult parts of dealing with infertility are the constant, consistent and never ending monthly reminders that while a woman may have all the equipment necessary for pregnancy, still it cannot be achieved.
Sigh....
One of the most difficult parts of dealing with infertility are the constant, consistent and never ending monthly reminders that while a woman may have all the equipment necessary for pregnancy, still it cannot be achieved.
Sigh....
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
trying to push infertility out of my mind...
January 7, 2015
How many days is it now since Christmas? Even though it's been several days... I feel prickly about the holiday. It's all about love and generosity, but it's a children's holiday and it reminds me that I don't have any... and this last Christmas my niece presented her grandparents with an incredibly thoughtful gift. In fact, I was amazed at how beautifully it was done. I admire that little girl and her ideas... she made all her gifts this year.
The gift she made for her grandparents was a framed family tree. In it there was my mom and dad... their children and their children's children... so, that's her dad with she and her brother, his new fiance and her daughter... there was my sister, her husband and children... and then there was me and Brian... and guess who our children were? That's right, the dogs... Romulus was my child... and he was pictured there together with my dad's dog.
She's so sweet. In fact, her sweetness overwhelms me a little. I can see into her heart and I know her intention. She wants me to have children, but she knows we're struggling... and so she reminds me that I am a mother. I have Romulus and Fred... my beagle and my father's 8 pound poodle. Maybe that's all I should need.
How many days is it now since Christmas? Even though it's been several days... I feel prickly about the holiday. It's all about love and generosity, but it's a children's holiday and it reminds me that I don't have any... and this last Christmas my niece presented her grandparents with an incredibly thoughtful gift. In fact, I was amazed at how beautifully it was done. I admire that little girl and her ideas... she made all her gifts this year.
The gift she made for her grandparents was a framed family tree. In it there was my mom and dad... their children and their children's children... so, that's her dad with she and her brother, his new fiance and her daughter... there was my sister, her husband and children... and then there was me and Brian... and guess who our children were? That's right, the dogs... Romulus was my child... and he was pictured there together with my dad's dog.
She's so sweet. In fact, her sweetness overwhelms me a little. I can see into her heart and I know her intention. She wants me to have children, but she knows we're struggling... and so she reminds me that I am a mother. I have Romulus and Fred... my beagle and my father's 8 pound poodle. Maybe that's all I should need.
Friday, January 2, 2015
First love...
January 2, 2015
When I think about family and love and marriage, I think about my initial experiences. When I was starting college I met my first boyfriend and we went out for 6 years. In that time I thought we would get married... a misconception common in youth. In our case we actually talked about getting married and imagined together what that life would be like. As time passed, we learned it could never work and I experienced the worst break up of my life. I think it was at that time that I let go of the idea that I would have a marriage, children, home. At the time there was such a finality about those feelings and it took some time for me to be able to imagine them with someone else. I remember people telling me that I was so ridiculous in feeling that way since I was still very young. And they were right to explain that to me. Young people can be so stubborn.
As I have always been a reflective person I decided to be really careful in choosing my life partner and would be sure without question that person would be the one. I traveled, I bought my own house, I worked for years as a school teacher and I took care of my family who included parents and married siblings... but not my own husband or children. I loved this role and I learned many things and had many wonderful adventures both abroad and at home. All of this happening and me not thinking at all or listening to my biological clock. That clock by the way, passes time without fail.
Brian came into my life in a year of rebirth and renewal. Every year I make goals, every year I move forward. Sometimes I'm stronger and more driven than others... and this year, 2008 was the year I decided I needed to jump start my social life. I needed to go out and meet new people and have new experiences... and since I felt myself a little rusty on the topic, I went and purchased tons of literature that would help me do that. Little by little I developed a set of friends and it was through them that I met Brian. It wasn't love at first site, but a development lasting nearly 2 years before we started seeing each other exclusively and then a couple more to our wedding which occurred in 2013.
My life with Brian is perfect in every way. If there is such a thing as soul mate, he is certainly it for me. He's loving and supportive and desires my every happiness. I find it beautiful that we look for each others happiness and find so much joy together. It wasn't until I met him, grew to love him and then married him that I thought again about marriage, babies and a home. So it was a shock to me when I didn't get pregnant. I forgot that I was over forty. When the doctors said they could help me despite my age, (they say: Ovaries grow older faster than you. You aren't old.) I didn't know how to take it. My sister who was having her own fertility issues and is about 4 years younger than me was begging me to go see a doctor about fertility even before my wedding. But I dismissed it. I didn't take it seriously. Even now I find I can't digest it.
And now we are here. I got sick yesterday with a common cold or flu and went to the doctor's today. In the waiting room was a very aged, but very spunky, woman. She married a service man she met in her home town of Paris, France during the World War II and found herself here. She was drawn to Brian as he doted over me as I sat miserable waiting for my turn with the doctor. She chatted with us reminiscing about her marriage. We thought it was interesting that she didn't speak English and he didn't speak French, yet they were married 50 years.
Do you have children she asked me... and I found myself explaining that I couldn't. She couldn't or wouldn't hear that and just told me that it would come and I shouldn't worry. I'm still very young she assured me. And mostly, it's all true. I shouldn't worry too much, even though I don't produce many eggs anymore and don't ovulate. And I didn't explain more... it's true I'm young... 42 years old. I only just decided that I'm ready to be a mother... shouldn't that biological clock start only after a woman has completed all her education, met the right man and established herself in her career and personal life?
I find it interesting that I'm the only person who's really surprised that this is my reality. SIGH....
When I think about family and love and marriage, I think about my initial experiences. When I was starting college I met my first boyfriend and we went out for 6 years. In that time I thought we would get married... a misconception common in youth. In our case we actually talked about getting married and imagined together what that life would be like. As time passed, we learned it could never work and I experienced the worst break up of my life. I think it was at that time that I let go of the idea that I would have a marriage, children, home. At the time there was such a finality about those feelings and it took some time for me to be able to imagine them with someone else. I remember people telling me that I was so ridiculous in feeling that way since I was still very young. And they were right to explain that to me. Young people can be so stubborn.
As I have always been a reflective person I decided to be really careful in choosing my life partner and would be sure without question that person would be the one. I traveled, I bought my own house, I worked for years as a school teacher and I took care of my family who included parents and married siblings... but not my own husband or children. I loved this role and I learned many things and had many wonderful adventures both abroad and at home. All of this happening and me not thinking at all or listening to my biological clock. That clock by the way, passes time without fail.
Brian came into my life in a year of rebirth and renewal. Every year I make goals, every year I move forward. Sometimes I'm stronger and more driven than others... and this year, 2008 was the year I decided I needed to jump start my social life. I needed to go out and meet new people and have new experiences... and since I felt myself a little rusty on the topic, I went and purchased tons of literature that would help me do that. Little by little I developed a set of friends and it was through them that I met Brian. It wasn't love at first site, but a development lasting nearly 2 years before we started seeing each other exclusively and then a couple more to our wedding which occurred in 2013.
My life with Brian is perfect in every way. If there is such a thing as soul mate, he is certainly it for me. He's loving and supportive and desires my every happiness. I find it beautiful that we look for each others happiness and find so much joy together. It wasn't until I met him, grew to love him and then married him that I thought again about marriage, babies and a home. So it was a shock to me when I didn't get pregnant. I forgot that I was over forty. When the doctors said they could help me despite my age, (they say: Ovaries grow older faster than you. You aren't old.) I didn't know how to take it. My sister who was having her own fertility issues and is about 4 years younger than me was begging me to go see a doctor about fertility even before my wedding. But I dismissed it. I didn't take it seriously. Even now I find I can't digest it.
And now we are here. I got sick yesterday with a common cold or flu and went to the doctor's today. In the waiting room was a very aged, but very spunky, woman. She married a service man she met in her home town of Paris, France during the World War II and found herself here. She was drawn to Brian as he doted over me as I sat miserable waiting for my turn with the doctor. She chatted with us reminiscing about her marriage. We thought it was interesting that she didn't speak English and he didn't speak French, yet they were married 50 years.
Do you have children she asked me... and I found myself explaining that I couldn't. She couldn't or wouldn't hear that and just told me that it would come and I shouldn't worry. I'm still very young she assured me. And mostly, it's all true. I shouldn't worry too much, even though I don't produce many eggs anymore and don't ovulate. And I didn't explain more... it's true I'm young... 42 years old. I only just decided that I'm ready to be a mother... shouldn't that biological clock start only after a woman has completed all her education, met the right man and established herself in her career and personal life?
I find it interesting that I'm the only person who's really surprised that this is my reality. SIGH....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)