April 8, 2015
Still can't get that baby announcement out of my head.... The part I think about are the words.....
Egg-specting... "We Prayed and God Answered" and I can't stop thinking about why God answered us and said 'NOT"... sigh..
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Egg- specting...
April 5, 2015
That was the pregnancy announcement that came on face book this morning... and at first I was okay... but I haven't been able to stop thinking and thinking and thinking about it and I'm very happy for the couple, but so sad for me... so very, very sad... that in this season... this season of rebirth, resurrection and new life that I wear a body that cannot bring life...
Face book... it's such a double edged sword... you can find so much support there and so much trigger... so much reminder of what you cannot do.
That was the pregnancy announcement that came on face book this morning... and at first I was okay... but I haven't been able to stop thinking and thinking and thinking about it and I'm very happy for the couple, but so sad for me... so very, very sad... that in this season... this season of rebirth, resurrection and new life that I wear a body that cannot bring life...
Face book... it's such a double edged sword... you can find so much support there and so much trigger... so much reminder of what you cannot do.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Hyperviligence
April 3, 2015
I know it can't be my period. I know this because according to my calendar I had it last March 22... but my body aches, my ovaries ache... I feel frustrated and of course the typical grumpiness.... and yet, it just can't be...
But the truth is that this is what my periods are like... they begin with terrible cramps even less than two week after my period, I have this terrible PMS. And only now with my hyperviligence... the tracking the counting am I starting to understand this about myself.
Only now... with all this new knowledge... I find myself hurting and preparing for the day it actually hits and then I can be reminded about how stupid my body is... the remnant of what I might have been able to do in my past... a past I shouldn't think about because my physical being may have been capable, but I didn't have a partner. I didn't have a person I could make a family with... and that's the basic unit of a family... the two who begin the journey together...
And this is my life... 1/2 of it dedicated to the symptoms of creating life, just as it has since I was 9 years old... literally, 1/2 of it... week 1 period, week 2 recovery/ begin early PMS, week 3 PMS, week 4 period again... cycle starts again... every 23 days... all my life since 3rd. grade. And all of this in vain... as my body can not conceive life... and I have to accept this... and I have to accept it even with reminders every 23 days...
It's sad... very, very sad. But I have to keep a happy face... they say if you pretend, then you can "catch" happiness... and this is my goal... pretend... or as one of my closest cousins says, "fake it till you make it..." This is my life.
I know it can't be my period. I know this because according to my calendar I had it last March 22... but my body aches, my ovaries ache... I feel frustrated and of course the typical grumpiness.... and yet, it just can't be...
But the truth is that this is what my periods are like... they begin with terrible cramps even less than two week after my period, I have this terrible PMS. And only now with my hyperviligence... the tracking the counting am I starting to understand this about myself.
Only now... with all this new knowledge... I find myself hurting and preparing for the day it actually hits and then I can be reminded about how stupid my body is... the remnant of what I might have been able to do in my past... a past I shouldn't think about because my physical being may have been capable, but I didn't have a partner. I didn't have a person I could make a family with... and that's the basic unit of a family... the two who begin the journey together...
And this is my life... 1/2 of it dedicated to the symptoms of creating life, just as it has since I was 9 years old... literally, 1/2 of it... week 1 period, week 2 recovery/ begin early PMS, week 3 PMS, week 4 period again... cycle starts again... every 23 days... all my life since 3rd. grade. And all of this in vain... as my body can not conceive life... and I have to accept this... and I have to accept it even with reminders every 23 days...
It's sad... very, very sad. But I have to keep a happy face... they say if you pretend, then you can "catch" happiness... and this is my goal... pretend... or as one of my closest cousins says, "fake it till you make it..." This is my life.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Inadequacies...
April 1, 2015
When I think about mother hood it's this very romanticized idea of female right of passage... A woman has a child and then together with her partner, does her best to raise him... or her... and when grown goes off into the world and lives their own lives... leaving the woman to live out the rest of her days alongside her partner... Then at the time when the child has benefited completely from his.. her... parents and left, the parents can begin to think of other things like traveling and gardening and enjoying their hobbies and from time to time is truely blessed... enjoying the company of grandchildren. What a lovely, lovely idea... goal for living...
It seems to me that I've done this backwards... I've gone to school, studied, traveled, worked and now am only recently married and in the effort to maintain a quiet, stress free environment to facilitate pregnancy in my quite older body, have quit my job and am essentially retired.... so I work carefully on my hobbies, continue to study and learn various things and keep our home... happily with my partner. But there is a sadness there and I wish I could keep company with a child... be it my own or the offspring of my hypothetical child... and enjoy and be happy... my goal for living.
To continue through the fantasy, I've participated in mothering in different ways... I've been a school teacher for 15 years... and I've always tried to be the best possible aunt to my nieces and nephews... and they see me as someone wonderful... both my siblings and their children... but I make mistakes.
Recently I made a mistake with my brother's daughter. She is 12, that age of questioning authority and learning the art of manipulation that middle school teachers talk so much about; and I was taken for "ride" so to speak. To complicate matters, her mother and my brother have gone through their own messy divorce and they don't get along... and for the sake of these children... both loving each parent as they should, I try to be Switzerland... that safe neutral zone where I don't judge or express opinion either way to provide the safest possible zone for these kids. Both parents know where their mistakes are and love their kids and are trying desperately to resolve their feelings and their differences. It's not easy. Divorce is not easy... not for anyone much less the helpless bystanders who are related, but can do nothing and just see the closeness of a relationship with the children quickly and horribly dissolving not being able to do anything except wait patiently for the storm to clear and pick up the pieces quietly and painstakingly.
Well, the arrangement is that one parent has one week and the other the following week. Most activities and events need to take place with the understanding of this arrangement and it's only through the efforts of the parents that adjustments can be made... which can be very taxing for them. It is during one of these times that I made my horrible mistake. It was a mistake out of cowardice and laziness... retrospectively I think that if I made a better decision, I could have avoided the whole mess.... Basically, I was at a family gathers, I brought along my niece as is my custom... when I'm in town (I live about 450 miles away) I go get her so we can spend time together... and she enjoyed time with her cousins on our side of our family. After the party, she wanted to stay longer and made arrangements without my knowledge with her father to stay and spend the night so she could continue to play. The problem is that she asked permission to stay but didn't make workable plans for a pickup which was intense given that the households are 30 miles away from each other. When she told me she was staying, I asked her if she had permission to stay... and then how she would get home... when I questioned her more she said I could call her dad and she really seemed to have permission so I let it lie... even though in my heart I knew I should have talked to her dad. Also, since their divorce, I know her mom doesn't want to talk to me so I avoid that route.. to complicate things more it was her mother's week and the arrangement was an unspoken one between the two of us, me and her mother, not me and her father. Well, you can see where the rest of this went... my niece struggled with both parents about asking to come home and of course she got in trouble... then I got a text from her mother explaining about the blow out and it turns out my niece decided to stay with her day, even though it was her mother's week. This is very sad... I think that if I would have just make a couple of calls, I could have avoided this situation and all the parents would have been informed and aware of any additional commitments... and more able to say yes or no... This is where I get angry with my self as a person who desires to be a parent. I think if I can't predict this kind of problem... which I'm a school teacher and should be able to see something like this coming from a mile away... it's like I'm not with it enough to be a parent.
I feel a lot of guilt about this... and I feel a lot of guilt about my dog. So he has been struggling with his ears for a while and I look at them and looked at them and thought there was a problem, but I put off doing anything about it because I didn't want to have to take him to the doctors... and I wasn't sure he was sick... it wasn't until he was yelling in pain that I realized something was up.. and I should have been more in tune with him. The vet was a couple of miles away, the medicine was cheap and with attention and care, my dog was better in three days... he's so happy now and doesn't in anyway look like he could have been that sick, but he was... I worry that if I have a child I won't be able to understand their non verbal cues so easily and I fear the child will suffer needlessly.
When I make mistakes like these, I really feel like you could name me mother of the year (NOT)... it makes me very, very sad...
At the same time, writing them down here I see that maybe I could be a good parent... maybe what I should do is look at my niece thing as something else... that she's 12 and only thinks that if she asks a parent (it doesn't matter which one when) it should count... and forgets to think about getting home because of her maturity level. This is a better thought than she took advantage of me right... I did talk to her about the situation, but I didn't yell at her. That's good too. We talked with even voices.
And with my dog... maybe if I looked at it as I saw he was in pain and I immediately took him to the doctor... well, then that's good. Good parents take their family members to the doctor when they suspect they're ill. I don't know, maybe I could be a good parent.
Maybe this writing thing is a good way to help change your thinking and work towards understanding, compassion and love... and solving problems. This one... this giant, heavy, terrible problem of infertility.
When I think about mother hood it's this very romanticized idea of female right of passage... A woman has a child and then together with her partner, does her best to raise him... or her... and when grown goes off into the world and lives their own lives... leaving the woman to live out the rest of her days alongside her partner... Then at the time when the child has benefited completely from his.. her... parents and left, the parents can begin to think of other things like traveling and gardening and enjoying their hobbies and from time to time is truely blessed... enjoying the company of grandchildren. What a lovely, lovely idea... goal for living...
It seems to me that I've done this backwards... I've gone to school, studied, traveled, worked and now am only recently married and in the effort to maintain a quiet, stress free environment to facilitate pregnancy in my quite older body, have quit my job and am essentially retired.... so I work carefully on my hobbies, continue to study and learn various things and keep our home... happily with my partner. But there is a sadness there and I wish I could keep company with a child... be it my own or the offspring of my hypothetical child... and enjoy and be happy... my goal for living.
To continue through the fantasy, I've participated in mothering in different ways... I've been a school teacher for 15 years... and I've always tried to be the best possible aunt to my nieces and nephews... and they see me as someone wonderful... both my siblings and their children... but I make mistakes.
Recently I made a mistake with my brother's daughter. She is 12, that age of questioning authority and learning the art of manipulation that middle school teachers talk so much about; and I was taken for "ride" so to speak. To complicate matters, her mother and my brother have gone through their own messy divorce and they don't get along... and for the sake of these children... both loving each parent as they should, I try to be Switzerland... that safe neutral zone where I don't judge or express opinion either way to provide the safest possible zone for these kids. Both parents know where their mistakes are and love their kids and are trying desperately to resolve their feelings and their differences. It's not easy. Divorce is not easy... not for anyone much less the helpless bystanders who are related, but can do nothing and just see the closeness of a relationship with the children quickly and horribly dissolving not being able to do anything except wait patiently for the storm to clear and pick up the pieces quietly and painstakingly.
Well, the arrangement is that one parent has one week and the other the following week. Most activities and events need to take place with the understanding of this arrangement and it's only through the efforts of the parents that adjustments can be made... which can be very taxing for them. It is during one of these times that I made my horrible mistake. It was a mistake out of cowardice and laziness... retrospectively I think that if I made a better decision, I could have avoided the whole mess.... Basically, I was at a family gathers, I brought along my niece as is my custom... when I'm in town (I live about 450 miles away) I go get her so we can spend time together... and she enjoyed time with her cousins on our side of our family. After the party, she wanted to stay longer and made arrangements without my knowledge with her father to stay and spend the night so she could continue to play. The problem is that she asked permission to stay but didn't make workable plans for a pickup which was intense given that the households are 30 miles away from each other. When she told me she was staying, I asked her if she had permission to stay... and then how she would get home... when I questioned her more she said I could call her dad and she really seemed to have permission so I let it lie... even though in my heart I knew I should have talked to her dad. Also, since their divorce, I know her mom doesn't want to talk to me so I avoid that route.. to complicate things more it was her mother's week and the arrangement was an unspoken one between the two of us, me and her mother, not me and her father. Well, you can see where the rest of this went... my niece struggled with both parents about asking to come home and of course she got in trouble... then I got a text from her mother explaining about the blow out and it turns out my niece decided to stay with her day, even though it was her mother's week. This is very sad... I think that if I would have just make a couple of calls, I could have avoided this situation and all the parents would have been informed and aware of any additional commitments... and more able to say yes or no... This is where I get angry with my self as a person who desires to be a parent. I think if I can't predict this kind of problem... which I'm a school teacher and should be able to see something like this coming from a mile away... it's like I'm not with it enough to be a parent.
I feel a lot of guilt about this... and I feel a lot of guilt about my dog. So he has been struggling with his ears for a while and I look at them and looked at them and thought there was a problem, but I put off doing anything about it because I didn't want to have to take him to the doctors... and I wasn't sure he was sick... it wasn't until he was yelling in pain that I realized something was up.. and I should have been more in tune with him. The vet was a couple of miles away, the medicine was cheap and with attention and care, my dog was better in three days... he's so happy now and doesn't in anyway look like he could have been that sick, but he was... I worry that if I have a child I won't be able to understand their non verbal cues so easily and I fear the child will suffer needlessly.
When I make mistakes like these, I really feel like you could name me mother of the year (NOT)... it makes me very, very sad...
At the same time, writing them down here I see that maybe I could be a good parent... maybe what I should do is look at my niece thing as something else... that she's 12 and only thinks that if she asks a parent (it doesn't matter which one when) it should count... and forgets to think about getting home because of her maturity level. This is a better thought than she took advantage of me right... I did talk to her about the situation, but I didn't yell at her. That's good too. We talked with even voices.
And with my dog... maybe if I looked at it as I saw he was in pain and I immediately took him to the doctor... well, then that's good. Good parents take their family members to the doctor when they suspect they're ill. I don't know, maybe I could be a good parent.
Maybe this writing thing is a good way to help change your thinking and work towards understanding, compassion and love... and solving problems. This one... this giant, heavy, terrible problem of infertility.
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