July 10, 2015
The end of our Journey is finally upon us. It actually happened during the Memorial Day weekend, but it's taken me since then to gather the strength to accept it and move on...
On the weekend, we set aside time to look very carefully through the profiles of women willing to help us in this situation... actually, my husband had told me that I could take the lead in this and do it myself... It took quite a while to grasp the idea that yes, this would be the only way we could move forward, that this was the answer to how we would get pregnant... and that took a long time. So long in fact that our password expired and I needed to get another one active before continuing... and so we did... or rather I did. I found a perfect donor, one that I felt I could relate to, and that if I saw her on the street under different circumstances that I could reach out and befriend her... I told my husband and he felt that I didn't really look carefully enough... so now he wanted to be involved... he had us look through every single person, read every word of each application... we whittled down our choice to just 10, then six and then two... one of whom was the one that I had originally chosen... and then I said I'd call on Monday... after the holiday weekend... and we were done. We were complete. The choice was made....
Then out of the blue, with everything in place, Brian finally said that he just wasn't comfortable with the amount of risk. That he felt if I were to continue that it would be very bad for me health wise. He finally said that if anything happened to me he didn't know what he would do.
It made sense to me and for the moment I really had to hear what he said, because the truth is that he never voices an opinion unless he completely feels it. He'd rather say yes than no unless he really needed to say no... and so he was saying no....
His concerns, they are all valid. 10 years ago, if we were having this problem together 10 years ago... then we would move forward. But the truth is that I am facing my 43 birthday. I am overweight, and we just don't know what a pregnancy would do to my health. I have accepted my husband's concern. And while I know that my tolerance for risk is much higher than his, I am afraid to go through pregnancy and childbirth and motherhood at this stage in my life...
A good friend of mine just came for a visit with me. She brought her 7 mo. old baby and I watched her with him. She's soooo happy, and me there watching, wondering... it is so physical having a child that young.
At this point... any explanation I may have for not moving forward with pregnancy with a donor egg, or adoption is now private. Any explanation will never be enough for those who are facing this problem or a different one regarding infertility or from the point of view of a parent... I could never justify myself to anyone in a way people would find acceptable.... If I say I don't think I'm healthy enough many will respond that unhealthy parents give birth all the time. Whatever I say about adoption will be countered on all levels.... I must find my own peace and no longer worry about what others say about our choices.
I will only say that from this point on that we have chosen to live a childless lifestyle. I have found peace with this decision and will no longer be writing about infertility in a blog.
I appreciate the opportunities writing in blogs present for the healing process.
Larisa
Friday, July 10, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
... the missing period...
May 18, 2015
So, one thing that infertility does is make you hyper vigilant about your period. You mark your calendar, you count your days... you start making observations about your body that you took for granted before and then when it hits, you cry and cry. This past month has been crazy. I had a dental appointment for a root canal and I knew there'd be x rays. I know x rays are harmful so I had to be sure I wasn't pregnant... pregnant... as if... but where was my period? I thought maybe it came on April 3 because I was feeling cramps and symptoms but nothing must of come from that because I didn't actually write it down and it was less than two weeks after the one before... March 22.
Well, now it's May 18 and it looks like I skipped one. Because of the dentist, I knew I was going to have to take the test... I knew what the result would be... and sure enough... "NOT PREGNANT" showed up on the test. SIGH... Then, after the appointment, it finally hit. My period's acting weird. I can't help but wonder if it's the beginning of menopause... and I've pretty much effectively lost hope that I'm going to get pregnant... I'm not crying... I haven't really cried in a while... I wonder what that means.... maybe that I'm just tired of this whole thing.
So, one thing that infertility does is make you hyper vigilant about your period. You mark your calendar, you count your days... you start making observations about your body that you took for granted before and then when it hits, you cry and cry. This past month has been crazy. I had a dental appointment for a root canal and I knew there'd be x rays. I know x rays are harmful so I had to be sure I wasn't pregnant... pregnant... as if... but where was my period? I thought maybe it came on April 3 because I was feeling cramps and symptoms but nothing must of come from that because I didn't actually write it down and it was less than two weeks after the one before... March 22.
Well, now it's May 18 and it looks like I skipped one. Because of the dentist, I knew I was going to have to take the test... I knew what the result would be... and sure enough... "NOT PREGNANT" showed up on the test. SIGH... Then, after the appointment, it finally hit. My period's acting weird. I can't help but wonder if it's the beginning of menopause... and I've pretty much effectively lost hope that I'm going to get pregnant... I'm not crying... I haven't really cried in a while... I wonder what that means.... maybe that I'm just tired of this whole thing.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Lost period? WTF
May 12, 2015
So this year has been very intense already. We were supposed to start with our embryo adoption/ donor egg IVF whatever this year in January but then we got invited to be a confirmation sponsor, baptism sponser a wedding and a conference in a major city.... I really wanted to participate in these things and it's been hard to get over the idea that I can't get pregnant with my own eggs so call it what you want, procrastination etc... but I wanted to do this with my husband and to take a moment and step back. Getting my heat around not getting pregnant on my own eggs... it's hard, very, very hard... and I needed a break.
Well, during this time I've been taking meticulous notes on my period... and my last one was on March 22. I didn't think about it.. I admit, I dropped the ball, lost track... and day before yesterday I went to have my throat checked for strep at the minute clinic and she asked about the last period... and I realized that I didn't have a period in April. She said, we'll are you SURE you're not pregnant. Of course not, ovaries are toast... no way... no way I say.
It stewed in my brain for a day or so and last night I finally took a pregnancy test... sure enough.. NOT pregnant. Sigh... well, if I'm not pregnant, then where or where is my damn period... and I feel like a high school or college student waiting, waiting, waiting and scared to death... but I want a baby.
So this year has been very intense already. We were supposed to start with our embryo adoption/ donor egg IVF whatever this year in January but then we got invited to be a confirmation sponsor, baptism sponser a wedding and a conference in a major city.... I really wanted to participate in these things and it's been hard to get over the idea that I can't get pregnant with my own eggs so call it what you want, procrastination etc... but I wanted to do this with my husband and to take a moment and step back. Getting my heat around not getting pregnant on my own eggs... it's hard, very, very hard... and I needed a break.
Well, during this time I've been taking meticulous notes on my period... and my last one was on March 22. I didn't think about it.. I admit, I dropped the ball, lost track... and day before yesterday I went to have my throat checked for strep at the minute clinic and she asked about the last period... and I realized that I didn't have a period in April. She said, we'll are you SURE you're not pregnant. Of course not, ovaries are toast... no way... no way I say.
It stewed in my brain for a day or so and last night I finally took a pregnancy test... sure enough.. NOT pregnant. Sigh... well, if I'm not pregnant, then where or where is my damn period... and I feel like a high school or college student waiting, waiting, waiting and scared to death... but I want a baby.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Egg Specting TWo
April 8, 2015
Still can't get that baby announcement out of my head.... The part I think about are the words.....
Egg-specting... "We Prayed and God Answered" and I can't stop thinking about why God answered us and said 'NOT"... sigh..
Still can't get that baby announcement out of my head.... The part I think about are the words.....
Egg-specting... "We Prayed and God Answered" and I can't stop thinking about why God answered us and said 'NOT"... sigh..
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Egg- specting...
April 5, 2015
That was the pregnancy announcement that came on face book this morning... and at first I was okay... but I haven't been able to stop thinking and thinking and thinking about it and I'm very happy for the couple, but so sad for me... so very, very sad... that in this season... this season of rebirth, resurrection and new life that I wear a body that cannot bring life...
Face book... it's such a double edged sword... you can find so much support there and so much trigger... so much reminder of what you cannot do.
That was the pregnancy announcement that came on face book this morning... and at first I was okay... but I haven't been able to stop thinking and thinking and thinking about it and I'm very happy for the couple, but so sad for me... so very, very sad... that in this season... this season of rebirth, resurrection and new life that I wear a body that cannot bring life...
Face book... it's such a double edged sword... you can find so much support there and so much trigger... so much reminder of what you cannot do.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Hyperviligence
April 3, 2015
I know it can't be my period. I know this because according to my calendar I had it last March 22... but my body aches, my ovaries ache... I feel frustrated and of course the typical grumpiness.... and yet, it just can't be...
But the truth is that this is what my periods are like... they begin with terrible cramps even less than two week after my period, I have this terrible PMS. And only now with my hyperviligence... the tracking the counting am I starting to understand this about myself.
Only now... with all this new knowledge... I find myself hurting and preparing for the day it actually hits and then I can be reminded about how stupid my body is... the remnant of what I might have been able to do in my past... a past I shouldn't think about because my physical being may have been capable, but I didn't have a partner. I didn't have a person I could make a family with... and that's the basic unit of a family... the two who begin the journey together...
And this is my life... 1/2 of it dedicated to the symptoms of creating life, just as it has since I was 9 years old... literally, 1/2 of it... week 1 period, week 2 recovery/ begin early PMS, week 3 PMS, week 4 period again... cycle starts again... every 23 days... all my life since 3rd. grade. And all of this in vain... as my body can not conceive life... and I have to accept this... and I have to accept it even with reminders every 23 days...
It's sad... very, very sad. But I have to keep a happy face... they say if you pretend, then you can "catch" happiness... and this is my goal... pretend... or as one of my closest cousins says, "fake it till you make it..." This is my life.
I know it can't be my period. I know this because according to my calendar I had it last March 22... but my body aches, my ovaries ache... I feel frustrated and of course the typical grumpiness.... and yet, it just can't be...
But the truth is that this is what my periods are like... they begin with terrible cramps even less than two week after my period, I have this terrible PMS. And only now with my hyperviligence... the tracking the counting am I starting to understand this about myself.
Only now... with all this new knowledge... I find myself hurting and preparing for the day it actually hits and then I can be reminded about how stupid my body is... the remnant of what I might have been able to do in my past... a past I shouldn't think about because my physical being may have been capable, but I didn't have a partner. I didn't have a person I could make a family with... and that's the basic unit of a family... the two who begin the journey together...
And this is my life... 1/2 of it dedicated to the symptoms of creating life, just as it has since I was 9 years old... literally, 1/2 of it... week 1 period, week 2 recovery/ begin early PMS, week 3 PMS, week 4 period again... cycle starts again... every 23 days... all my life since 3rd. grade. And all of this in vain... as my body can not conceive life... and I have to accept this... and I have to accept it even with reminders every 23 days...
It's sad... very, very sad. But I have to keep a happy face... they say if you pretend, then you can "catch" happiness... and this is my goal... pretend... or as one of my closest cousins says, "fake it till you make it..." This is my life.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Inadequacies...
April 1, 2015
When I think about mother hood it's this very romanticized idea of female right of passage... A woman has a child and then together with her partner, does her best to raise him... or her... and when grown goes off into the world and lives their own lives... leaving the woman to live out the rest of her days alongside her partner... Then at the time when the child has benefited completely from his.. her... parents and left, the parents can begin to think of other things like traveling and gardening and enjoying their hobbies and from time to time is truely blessed... enjoying the company of grandchildren. What a lovely, lovely idea... goal for living...
It seems to me that I've done this backwards... I've gone to school, studied, traveled, worked and now am only recently married and in the effort to maintain a quiet, stress free environment to facilitate pregnancy in my quite older body, have quit my job and am essentially retired.... so I work carefully on my hobbies, continue to study and learn various things and keep our home... happily with my partner. But there is a sadness there and I wish I could keep company with a child... be it my own or the offspring of my hypothetical child... and enjoy and be happy... my goal for living.
To continue through the fantasy, I've participated in mothering in different ways... I've been a school teacher for 15 years... and I've always tried to be the best possible aunt to my nieces and nephews... and they see me as someone wonderful... both my siblings and their children... but I make mistakes.
Recently I made a mistake with my brother's daughter. She is 12, that age of questioning authority and learning the art of manipulation that middle school teachers talk so much about; and I was taken for "ride" so to speak. To complicate matters, her mother and my brother have gone through their own messy divorce and they don't get along... and for the sake of these children... both loving each parent as they should, I try to be Switzerland... that safe neutral zone where I don't judge or express opinion either way to provide the safest possible zone for these kids. Both parents know where their mistakes are and love their kids and are trying desperately to resolve their feelings and their differences. It's not easy. Divorce is not easy... not for anyone much less the helpless bystanders who are related, but can do nothing and just see the closeness of a relationship with the children quickly and horribly dissolving not being able to do anything except wait patiently for the storm to clear and pick up the pieces quietly and painstakingly.
Well, the arrangement is that one parent has one week and the other the following week. Most activities and events need to take place with the understanding of this arrangement and it's only through the efforts of the parents that adjustments can be made... which can be very taxing for them. It is during one of these times that I made my horrible mistake. It was a mistake out of cowardice and laziness... retrospectively I think that if I made a better decision, I could have avoided the whole mess.... Basically, I was at a family gathers, I brought along my niece as is my custom... when I'm in town (I live about 450 miles away) I go get her so we can spend time together... and she enjoyed time with her cousins on our side of our family. After the party, she wanted to stay longer and made arrangements without my knowledge with her father to stay and spend the night so she could continue to play. The problem is that she asked permission to stay but didn't make workable plans for a pickup which was intense given that the households are 30 miles away from each other. When she told me she was staying, I asked her if she had permission to stay... and then how she would get home... when I questioned her more she said I could call her dad and she really seemed to have permission so I let it lie... even though in my heart I knew I should have talked to her dad. Also, since their divorce, I know her mom doesn't want to talk to me so I avoid that route.. to complicate things more it was her mother's week and the arrangement was an unspoken one between the two of us, me and her mother, not me and her father. Well, you can see where the rest of this went... my niece struggled with both parents about asking to come home and of course she got in trouble... then I got a text from her mother explaining about the blow out and it turns out my niece decided to stay with her day, even though it was her mother's week. This is very sad... I think that if I would have just make a couple of calls, I could have avoided this situation and all the parents would have been informed and aware of any additional commitments... and more able to say yes or no... This is where I get angry with my self as a person who desires to be a parent. I think if I can't predict this kind of problem... which I'm a school teacher and should be able to see something like this coming from a mile away... it's like I'm not with it enough to be a parent.
I feel a lot of guilt about this... and I feel a lot of guilt about my dog. So he has been struggling with his ears for a while and I look at them and looked at them and thought there was a problem, but I put off doing anything about it because I didn't want to have to take him to the doctors... and I wasn't sure he was sick... it wasn't until he was yelling in pain that I realized something was up.. and I should have been more in tune with him. The vet was a couple of miles away, the medicine was cheap and with attention and care, my dog was better in three days... he's so happy now and doesn't in anyway look like he could have been that sick, but he was... I worry that if I have a child I won't be able to understand their non verbal cues so easily and I fear the child will suffer needlessly.
When I make mistakes like these, I really feel like you could name me mother of the year (NOT)... it makes me very, very sad...
At the same time, writing them down here I see that maybe I could be a good parent... maybe what I should do is look at my niece thing as something else... that she's 12 and only thinks that if she asks a parent (it doesn't matter which one when) it should count... and forgets to think about getting home because of her maturity level. This is a better thought than she took advantage of me right... I did talk to her about the situation, but I didn't yell at her. That's good too. We talked with even voices.
And with my dog... maybe if I looked at it as I saw he was in pain and I immediately took him to the doctor... well, then that's good. Good parents take their family members to the doctor when they suspect they're ill. I don't know, maybe I could be a good parent.
Maybe this writing thing is a good way to help change your thinking and work towards understanding, compassion and love... and solving problems. This one... this giant, heavy, terrible problem of infertility.
When I think about mother hood it's this very romanticized idea of female right of passage... A woman has a child and then together with her partner, does her best to raise him... or her... and when grown goes off into the world and lives their own lives... leaving the woman to live out the rest of her days alongside her partner... Then at the time when the child has benefited completely from his.. her... parents and left, the parents can begin to think of other things like traveling and gardening and enjoying their hobbies and from time to time is truely blessed... enjoying the company of grandchildren. What a lovely, lovely idea... goal for living...
It seems to me that I've done this backwards... I've gone to school, studied, traveled, worked and now am only recently married and in the effort to maintain a quiet, stress free environment to facilitate pregnancy in my quite older body, have quit my job and am essentially retired.... so I work carefully on my hobbies, continue to study and learn various things and keep our home... happily with my partner. But there is a sadness there and I wish I could keep company with a child... be it my own or the offspring of my hypothetical child... and enjoy and be happy... my goal for living.
To continue through the fantasy, I've participated in mothering in different ways... I've been a school teacher for 15 years... and I've always tried to be the best possible aunt to my nieces and nephews... and they see me as someone wonderful... both my siblings and their children... but I make mistakes.
Recently I made a mistake with my brother's daughter. She is 12, that age of questioning authority and learning the art of manipulation that middle school teachers talk so much about; and I was taken for "ride" so to speak. To complicate matters, her mother and my brother have gone through their own messy divorce and they don't get along... and for the sake of these children... both loving each parent as they should, I try to be Switzerland... that safe neutral zone where I don't judge or express opinion either way to provide the safest possible zone for these kids. Both parents know where their mistakes are and love their kids and are trying desperately to resolve their feelings and their differences. It's not easy. Divorce is not easy... not for anyone much less the helpless bystanders who are related, but can do nothing and just see the closeness of a relationship with the children quickly and horribly dissolving not being able to do anything except wait patiently for the storm to clear and pick up the pieces quietly and painstakingly.
Well, the arrangement is that one parent has one week and the other the following week. Most activities and events need to take place with the understanding of this arrangement and it's only through the efforts of the parents that adjustments can be made... which can be very taxing for them. It is during one of these times that I made my horrible mistake. It was a mistake out of cowardice and laziness... retrospectively I think that if I made a better decision, I could have avoided the whole mess.... Basically, I was at a family gathers, I brought along my niece as is my custom... when I'm in town (I live about 450 miles away) I go get her so we can spend time together... and she enjoyed time with her cousins on our side of our family. After the party, she wanted to stay longer and made arrangements without my knowledge with her father to stay and spend the night so she could continue to play. The problem is that she asked permission to stay but didn't make workable plans for a pickup which was intense given that the households are 30 miles away from each other. When she told me she was staying, I asked her if she had permission to stay... and then how she would get home... when I questioned her more she said I could call her dad and she really seemed to have permission so I let it lie... even though in my heart I knew I should have talked to her dad. Also, since their divorce, I know her mom doesn't want to talk to me so I avoid that route.. to complicate things more it was her mother's week and the arrangement was an unspoken one between the two of us, me and her mother, not me and her father. Well, you can see where the rest of this went... my niece struggled with both parents about asking to come home and of course she got in trouble... then I got a text from her mother explaining about the blow out and it turns out my niece decided to stay with her day, even though it was her mother's week. This is very sad... I think that if I would have just make a couple of calls, I could have avoided this situation and all the parents would have been informed and aware of any additional commitments... and more able to say yes or no... This is where I get angry with my self as a person who desires to be a parent. I think if I can't predict this kind of problem... which I'm a school teacher and should be able to see something like this coming from a mile away... it's like I'm not with it enough to be a parent.
I feel a lot of guilt about this... and I feel a lot of guilt about my dog. So he has been struggling with his ears for a while and I look at them and looked at them and thought there was a problem, but I put off doing anything about it because I didn't want to have to take him to the doctors... and I wasn't sure he was sick... it wasn't until he was yelling in pain that I realized something was up.. and I should have been more in tune with him. The vet was a couple of miles away, the medicine was cheap and with attention and care, my dog was better in three days... he's so happy now and doesn't in anyway look like he could have been that sick, but he was... I worry that if I have a child I won't be able to understand their non verbal cues so easily and I fear the child will suffer needlessly.
When I make mistakes like these, I really feel like you could name me mother of the year (NOT)... it makes me very, very sad...
At the same time, writing them down here I see that maybe I could be a good parent... maybe what I should do is look at my niece thing as something else... that she's 12 and only thinks that if she asks a parent (it doesn't matter which one when) it should count... and forgets to think about getting home because of her maturity level. This is a better thought than she took advantage of me right... I did talk to her about the situation, but I didn't yell at her. That's good too. We talked with even voices.
And with my dog... maybe if I looked at it as I saw he was in pain and I immediately took him to the doctor... well, then that's good. Good parents take their family members to the doctor when they suspect they're ill. I don't know, maybe I could be a good parent.
Maybe this writing thing is a good way to help change your thinking and work towards understanding, compassion and love... and solving problems. This one... this giant, heavy, terrible problem of infertility.
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