First love...

January 2, 2015

When I think about family and love and marriage, I think about my initial experiences.  When I was starting college I met my first boyfriend and we went out for 6 years.  In that time I thought we would get married... a misconception common in youth.  In our case we actually talked about getting married and imagined together what that life would be like.  As time passed, we learned it could never work and I experienced the worst break up of my life.  I think it was at that time that I let go of the idea that I would have a marriage, children, home.  At the time there was such a finality about those feelings and it took some time for me to be able to imagine them with someone else.  I remember people telling me that I was so ridiculous in feeling that way since I was still very young.  And they were right to explain that to me.  Young people can be so stubborn.

As I have always been a reflective person I decided to be really careful in choosing my life partner and would be sure without question that person would be the one.  I traveled, I bought my own house, I worked for years as a school teacher and I took care of my family who included parents and married siblings... but not my own husband or children.  I loved this role and I learned many things and had many wonderful adventures both abroad and at home.  All of this happening and me not thinking at all or listening to my biological clock.  That clock by the way, passes time without fail.

Brian came into my life in a year of rebirth and renewal.  Every year I make goals, every year I move forward. Sometimes I'm stronger and more driven than others... and this year, 2008 was the year I decided I needed to jump start my social life.  I needed to go out and meet new people and have new experiences... and since I felt myself a little rusty on the topic, I went and purchased tons of literature that would help me do that.  Little by little I developed a set of friends and it was through them that I met Brian.  It wasn't love at first site, but a development lasting nearly 2 years before we started seeing each other exclusively and then a couple more to our wedding which occurred in 2013.

My life with Brian is perfect in every way.  If there is such a thing as soul mate, he is certainly it for me.  He's loving and supportive and desires my every happiness.  I find it beautiful that we look for each others happiness and find so much joy together.  It wasn't until I met him, grew to love him and then married him that I thought again about marriage, babies and a home. So it was a shock to me when I didn't get pregnant.  I forgot that I was over forty.  When the doctors said they could help me despite my age, (they say: Ovaries grow older faster than you.  You aren't old.) I didn't know how to take it.  My sister who was having her own fertility issues and is about 4 years younger than me was begging me to go see a doctor about fertility even before my wedding.  But I dismissed it.  I didn't take it seriously.  Even now I find I can't digest it.

And now we are here.  I got sick yesterday with a common cold or flu and went to the doctor's today.  In the waiting room was a very aged, but very spunky, woman.  She married a service man she met in her home town of Paris, France during the World War II and found herself here.  She was drawn to Brian as he doted over me as I sat miserable waiting for my turn with the doctor. She chatted with us reminiscing about her marriage.  We thought it was interesting that she didn't speak English and he didn't speak French, yet they were married 50 years.

Do you have children she asked me... and I found myself explaining that I couldn't.  She couldn't or wouldn't hear that and just told me that it would come and I shouldn't worry.  I'm still very young she assured me.  And mostly, it's all true.  I shouldn't worry too much, even though I don't produce many eggs anymore and don't ovulate.  And I didn't explain more... it's true I'm young... 42 years old.  I only just decided that I'm ready to be a mother... shouldn't that biological clock start only after a woman has completed all her education, met the right man and established herself in her career and personal life?

I find it interesting that I'm the only person who's really surprised that this is my reality. SIGH....