Hyperviligence

April 3, 2015

I know it can't be my period. I know this because according to my calendar I had it last March 22... but my body aches, my ovaries ache... I feel frustrated and of course the typical grumpiness.... and yet, it just can't be...

But the truth is that this is what my periods are like... they begin with terrible cramps even less than two week after my period, I have this terrible PMS. And only now with my hyperviligence... the tracking the counting am I starting to understand this about myself.

Only now... with all this new knowledge... I find myself hurting and preparing for the day it actually hits and then I can be reminded about how stupid my body is... the remnant of what I might have been able to do in my past... a past I shouldn't think about because my physical being may have been capable, but I didn't have a partner. I didn't have a person I could make a family with... and that's the basic unit of a family... the two who begin the journey together...

And this is my life... 1/2 of it dedicated to the symptoms of creating life, just as it has since I was 9 years old... literally, 1/2 of it... week 1 period, week 2 recovery/ begin early PMS, week 3 PMS, week 4 period again... cycle starts again... every 23 days... all my life since 3rd. grade. And all of this in vain... as my body can not conceive life... and I have to accept this... and I have to accept it even with reminders every 23 days...

It's sad... very, very sad.  But I have to keep a happy face... they say if you pretend, then you can "catch" happiness... and this is my goal... pretend... or as one of my closest cousins says, "fake it till you make it..." This is my life.