My picture project

February 28, 2015

Hello,

It's been a long time since posting here, but I've noticed that this is a therapeutic journey and I only require myself to write if I am emotionally motivated or emotionally in need. I find that sometimes I should write, but I can't make myself... and other times I feel emotional so I write and it's like I've vomited out the bad feelings and I feel better. I've always felt that you feel better after a good vomit, but I know it's not healthy to do so unless of course you're writing metaphorically.

I have undertaken an enormous goal for this year. Since I am not working and I find myself at home with the precious commodity of time... I have taken it upon myself to archive all my family's photo prints, slides and negatives. This is no easy task since there are countless negatives and hundreds of slides. Yet, every day I've sat diligently looking through them and creating digital images. What has surprised me is this how emotional this process has been. I'm uncovering so many lovely treasures, pictures of our childhood, the looks and styles of our loved ones and those precious moments when relationships were different. Some of the pictures inevitably depict those of our family who have passed away. See those pictures, remembering times shared with them have brought joy along with sadness as I miss them terribly.

Reviewing them as I am, all at once over many years and phases in a life, I have noticed that pictures both lie to us and tell us truths. A picture may lie because a person will most often smile for a picture, yet their hearts might be broken or their minds are heavily occupied. I've seen this... yet, they also tell the truth. For example, I have always believed that I am very plain and not very pretty. Yet, I've come across pictures where I'm surprised at how well I've come out.

Pictures also share a pattern. I'm writing today in response to one, or maybe several.... I've noticed that my childhood pictures don't catch me playing with dolls. I pose with some, but I'm not actually playing with them. I play more heartily with the stuffed animals. I know that with my sister, she played with dolls. She has a very serious character, but when she was a child she played with dolls.

The other pattern I've noticed is that there are few pictures of me holding babies. I have them, because I've had to hold one or two babies being born into my family, but you can tell they are posed pictures... besides, I've always kind of had the reputation for not wanting to hold babies... then I came across one today that I thought was interesting. It was of  friend that I had long ago. I suddenly remembered that she had an infertility problem as well. She had to take a very powerful drug for a medical condition she had which made it very dangerous for her to carry a child in her womb. I have since lost touch with this friend over the years, so I cannot tell for certain if she ever had a child, but I remember that she needed that medication. Regardless, I came across this picture of her, and she's holding this baby... and can see this yearning in her eyes, this tremendous desire... she was in her early twenties... it brought up memories of my impression of that at the time. I was about her same age, and I remember thinking she was insane to want a baby at her age. I felt that I was way too young to have a baby, that I hadn't really lived... and that once you have a baby then, well, you live for the child and not for yourself anymore... that's what I felt...

Today I look back on those feelings... and I find them ironic. I mean, I am now 42 years old. In my life I wanted to live, I wanted to travel and go to school. I figured a family could wait, besides I had boyfriends and I felt like I just couldn't make a relationship work. I knew for certain that I didn't want to mess around with marriage and if I were to do it I would met the Prince and get on with my life. I didn't realize how long it would be for me to find a really wonderful, stable, beautiful man that I could build my life with... So I concentrated on what I could control, travel, go to school, buy a house etc... and I went through all the stages... I saw my high school friends have babies or get married... then I saw all my college friends have babies and get married, then when I was in my career mode, I saw  my friends from high school and college get divorced or have multiple children. I got scared. I didn't want to live in a loveless marriage or get married for convenience or be abused. I wanted true, stable love.

It came at age 36. We dated, we got married. I got married at 40. We are rounding out the second year of marriage and we've been trying and trying... and the doctor says they're really sorry.... it's been an adventure... and I don't know, I feel like maybe I should have done things differently, I should have had another focus... maybe I'd have a child.

But I can't let myself think like that. The truth is that I can't imagine a more perfect Prince Charming, a more suitable partner. He's 10 and 1/2 years younger than me. When I was learning how to be a good person, learning how to be in a relationship, learning how love without being selfish, my husband was becoming a man. I'm grateful to my experiences because they allowed me to meet someone truly special. I find a great deal of happiness in that.

But I can't help but wonder if all that fear of holding babies and disinterest in dolls as a child that I somehow brought on this curse myself. Something like self fulling prophesy. I don't know... but I can't allow those thoughts either. I can't allow myself to wonder... because the truth is that this is an invisible problem. Women can have this problem and never know if they never go out of their way to have a child. As a single woman, focused on her career, her education and general adventure... the issue never came up. I did think about having a child until I met my husband and wanted to give him one... but I do find it curious... how women show their desire... maybe their more worthy. Honestly, I still don't desire to hold a baby... and I fear that if I'm ever able to bear a child that perhaps I wouldn't connect... but those fears don't take away from the fact that I find it incredibly devastating that I can't get pregnant.