A Heritage Quilt...

March 22, 2015

I'm working on a heritage quilt for my 2 year old nephew. I guess it shouldn't be surprising at how hard it is to do.... I have about 11 photos that I have figured out (with the help of my father) to make into line drawings and that are then transferred to fabric. They're very life like and I'm doing my best to be precise in my embroidery of the features for each picture.

Last week I worked on my nephew. He's two and has chubby fingers, arms and cheeks... a quiet expression and hair that's too long in the front. I've been careful to embroider all his features lovingly and it's coming along... and I look at all his little details... and it's precious... but it's also hard. But I did it without faltering.

But today I was working to complete a set of grandparents... my parents... working carefully to define the faces and give shape to hair and eyes... and today, I realized that my family tree stops with me... and that's very hard... I used to feel frustrated because I didn't have a significant partner and therefore I was an awkward family member tied to my parents while my sister and brother have branched off and started their own families.  But now, I have my own family. I have a husband and I find joy in that...  and I do my best not to brood over the fact that we don't have children.  After all, if I can't find happiness being single because I'm not married and then being married but barren... well, it seems to me then that there may always be some sort of thing missing and I'm never satisfied. I don't want this to be the case.

But today was a funny day. I woke up this morning fine as if it were any other day and then I found myself being anxious and angry. I found myself looking for reasons to be abrupt with my husband and to argue with him... he pointed out that he thought I wasn't being very nice and I checked myself quickly... then while out I started my period. I wish it was more regular so I could just say, "Brian on July 21st, stay away from me, I'll be grumpy" but it's not. I stayed away self engrossed in my quilt and then later talked to my parents... and there again, grumpiness... I had forgotten about my period and realized I was crazy... I immediately apologized.  And then there's the fact that it's there... a dreaded reminder that I am not pregnant and probably will never be.  And that's very, very, sad!

But I know I'm feeling these feelings because I am in my crazy time... my period time when I feel like the world is against me and I have anxiety, frustration and a terrible feeling of impending doom... and I'm just sensitive so I feel these infertility feelings more intensely now... I can't wait for this to pass and I can be normal again... normal for a few weeks anyway...  and just feel the dulling pain of infertility instead of the intense pain I feel when I'm off my rocker with PMS.  Truthfully, I think I'm going to get over this soon... it's somehow easier and easier to deal with this reality as time passes and we move on... maybe? Or maybe not... sometimes I feel strong and others... well others, I just don't.  I guess today I just feel like it's a not strong day and that's okay... Brian will hold me. He'll sit down and let me sit on his lap and he'll hold me and hold me and hold me as long as I need him to do so and I'll be eternally grateful to him for this generosity of his...